[07.24.05]-[3:40 p.m.]
dexter probably will never speak to me again, much less want to see me. this is difficult for me, even though everyone tells me our friendship is bad for me and bad for him. i'm hell of lonely. very alone. on my trip it didn't bother me that no one ever calls to see how i am, what i'm up to, if i can get together. back home, i realize how alone i am and will be.
i go to court tomorrow, and everything might be over that same day. or i'll have to come back again for sentencing and stuff. all this over, get this, .17 grams of powder containing cocaine i didn't know i had, that probably never was mine in the first place. that means that it's less than a gram of coke, and around 1/5 of cut, talc or sugar or whatever.
i wish i'd died in jail, it would have been so easy, and caused so much fallout. someone for my parents to be angry at besides me.
'You're just somebody that I used to know.' ----by Elliott Smith - I want to know you forever. I never want to stop loving you. i'll never choose, myself, to stop seeing you, even if it kills me. but i'll respect your wish to never hear from me or see me but i miss you already. god i'm pathetic. he hates me, and i can't stop, but i will only respond, i won't initiate interaction. but i'll never say no, i know that. i hope he never reads this. i just make everything worse, i think my mother would agree.
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