i miss him. and he hates me, and i'll always deserve it. not that the reason he's angry this time is valid. but i still deserve it just for being me.

i've been stressed out all day, don't really want to relive it here. i'm fucked up. i'm going to sentencing on the 22nd of Aug. and i'm going expecting the worst. my lawyer said someone that had a gram of coke (there was .17 in my car) whom the judge thought lied on his presentencing report paperwork got 6 years from this judge. but hopefully i'll get suspended imposition of sentence and 2 years probabtion unsupervised back in california. i have to get a fucking drug and alcohol evaluation too. i hate that, there weren't any drugs in my system. i'm actually clean. have been. doesn't matter. if i do get just the suspended imp. then i won't actually be convicted, and i won't be a felon, so long as i make it through probation.

i'm dying. this will kill me. i will die. one night in jail and i had two seizures, what would six years do? i wouldn't make it alive, i know that.