But it's not going to keep happening.

I think, in my dazed, tired, existential mood last night, I agreed to let Max (not Max Steele, the other one) watch Scotty and I have sex. I think we agreed he could paint us having sex. He has to be naked though. And he has to be at least partially aroused. And he has to paint. I wonder if we all were serious. I don't know if I was. I don't know if Scott was. It seems unlikely to me. But I try not to second guess people. Seems a little to 'wierd' for Scotty. He likes it pretty normal most of the time. I don't know what I like. I am one confused little boy.

I am apprehensive about the future. I don't know what I am doing in life. I am making this relationship work. This is the first time I have been in a relationship where we could have arguments. Where we could have expectations. Where we could say 'I love you' and mean it. I got worried today when I called Scott and when we hung up I said it, and he didn't. I think it's happened before. But is it absentmindedness (to which he is severely prone), or is it some subtle sign that things are changing. I can't let myself believe it. I really can't. I love him. And I honestly, truly believe that he does too. We have been together for eight months and two days. And what has happened in this time? Everything has happened. And I like myself so much better since I met him. And I like him. And there's no pretention about it. I can tell him things. We can enjoy each others' company without doing anything important. Just sitting around is amazing with him. And the sex...

I am doing a million zillion times better than I was last night. I have tempered my frustration with dialogue, and I am confident about the future. Is it possible to be both apprehensive and confident at the same time? Obviously emotion doesn't fit into these simple categories I'd like to box myself up in. So fuck it. I'll just try to enjoy it all. Even the pain is enjoyable because I am able to feel it. This is not goth. It is human. Fuck goth.

'You've got something that I've never since seen, a wiling heart and a part that's clean. We're both good at counting days.' ----'Your X-Rays Have Just Come Back From The Lab And We Think We Know What The Problem Is' by Jets To Brazil