I'm tired. I want him to care. I know he does. He just has no fucking clue how to show it, and how to act responsibly so I don't fucking strangle him. Few relationships with friends have made me as depressed as I am with Scott right now. And the worst part is, I know I don't want to dump him. I love him. I wan to work through this problem more than anything else. I just hope this doesn't tear us apart. FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCKFUCKFKCUFKUCKFK. I try to be understanding. I really do. I know he is in school, and school encompasses much of his waking life. I understand that his friends live on campus and it is easy to get distracted by them and hanging out with them because they all basically live with him. I know this. But after last night, and talking about all this shit, he tells me he can't hang out with me because he has a test tomorrow. And that's fine with me. I understand that he needs to study, that he needs to do well in his classes. And I call him today and ask him if I can bring him dinner when I get off work, and he says no, that I'll end up staying and distracting him. And I understand that too. But then he calls me at 8:25 and leaves a message because I'm in the other room, saying he's going to a movie with all his friends, and asks me if I want to come. Of course, when I call him back, he's gone already. He said he would try and stop by and see if I was home, but he hasn't. I mean, fuck. And after last night, coming in two hours late when I was ready to go to bed. And I told him it was fucked up, and he said he'd try. I mean, sure, he invited me to the movie, that's true. But I want to see him alone. It's selfish, but isn't that what lovers do every once in a while? See each other alone? I always thought so. And just for future reference I am not talking about sex. I want to see him while I am awake. It's really not too much to ask, I don't think. And even though he invited me, his cell phone isn't working. And I just left a message again. For the third time. I'm going up to campus to go print photog. Fuck. I hate loving him sometimes.

'I believe in desperate acts.

The kind that make me look stupid. (Look like a fool)

Just keep reinventing myself.

It's move or die. (I change my form)

These days the people I love

are spread so far apart. (All out of reach)

It's a thin sheet

Across the face. (Cover me now)

That's pretty old.

I never felt like this before.

I say that every hour.

It's never going to be like it could have been.

Now it's just this room. (Window looks back)

You're a big part of it.

But I don't care. (You take the lead)

And can you really see me now

Like I made me? (Made me anew)

Just like anyone at all.

Safer alone.

So right, so wrong.

Another winter's coming on.

You win, you lose.

It's the same old news. (These things go wrong so often)

Pick up the phone

and punch your code.

Somewhere, sometime let me make you mine.

Lean your head on mine

Like you used to. (Used to your lean)

I don't mind if you're faking it. (Make it seem real)

I'm not asking the questions.

I'm not demanding the answers now. (Take what you give)

Right or wrong, just take me,

lead me on.

I'm going." ----'Ache' by Jawbreaker