I don't know what that means. Any of it.

Abstraction.

...

Damn. I feel weird. I am at home. Talked to Mer for a bit today. Nice to hear from the girl. Sounds like Snaffy isn't doing so hot, and that sucks. I feel a bit guilty for getting sort of close to Mer in New York. Snaffy and I aren't so close any more. It wasn't conscious. It's funny, Mer used to be the nuts-unstable one. Now look.

Oh get this shit! I got a fucking 3.85 GPA this semester! No shit! Two As and two A-s. I can't fucking believe it. I didn't desrve it. I really didn't. Grade inflation runs rampant at colleges. I deserved the two As but I should have gotten Bs in the other classes. I want to keep it up next semseter. Get straight As. I've NEVER done this well before. I care. I try. That's all that matters. With everything.

It's all that matters: trying. Effort. Attempt. Caring.

I don't like it when kids I know don't. I'm not talking about school. I'm talking about friendships. It's such bullshit.

I hate friends.

Things are beautiful with D. I'm falling in love. I think he is too. He said he is. I trust him. I don't trust anyone, and I trust him. I've told him shit that I don't tell anyone. ANYONE. And he's amazing. Truly stellar.

I have tentative dinner date with Scott tomorrow. I don't know how awkward it will be. I just can't predict. We'll go to Popscene afterwards. I'll encourage him to hit on boys. I'll dance badly and uncomfortably, and I probably won't enjoy it much. But I want to see Scott. And I think he might want to see me. I don't know. He might want to criticise me. I don't care. Critics don't hurt me. Scott could hurt me. But he won't. I trust him. It's a different kind of trust than I have with Dexter. I trust S to not intentionally hurt me. He won't know he is. So there is no intention. And I care about that more than the fact that he likely will hurt me.

Enough. I'm content. I don't know if happy is the right word for it. But something close. I am truly happy around D. Sincerely. I'm alone right now, but I'm seeing him later. And I look forward to it with all my heart.