We went to a show tonight. Some Brittish band called Coldplay. I geuss they have a single I've heard before, that I actually kind of like. Less energy than the shows I usually go to, but, hey, I just sat back with a beer and listened. They sounded a lot like Radiohead but less electronic. It was fun, but kind of boring. I have an extremely short attention span for those things I'm not particularly interested in. I like going to shows where I know all the words or where I can dance and make an ass out of myself. That's one of the reasons I like Popscene. I can dance, and I dance badly, but it doesn't matter because I'm their with friends who dance badly. Or if I'm alone I can dance with strangers and dance badly. No one cares, and there's good music and good people.

I'm glad I can be here with Laura. She's great to me. She puts my photographs up, and she takes care of me. I sent her a few decently sized color prints a few months ago, and I come here and they are all on the wall right next to her bed with my black and white prints I gave her a few years ago. She really makes me feel special. If only she was a boy, and if only she liked me like that. She would be the perfect boyfriend. We went and got Sushi after the show. It wasn't particularly good sushi, but no sushi is bad. We have a sort of tradition of eating it at this resteraunt in Berkeley that's super good, so whenever we eat elsewhere it doesn't really compare. But oh well, New York is still okay in my book. Not Berkeley, but still decent.

I'm trying to get used to the idea of living here next year. You know, calling it home. It's hard. I'm scared too. I'm staying in this dorm, and it's so easy to just not talk to anyone. Listen to my walkman and read a book. I'm scared that I will do that next year. I'm loud and obnoxious, but I'm also shy. I'm scared of talking to the kids I think are neat. Maybe it's only guys I think are sweet, girls aren't such a big thing. It's just that moment, when I first meet a guy, and it's up to me to introduce myself and hope he's not totally straight. That's why I was so proud of myself for talking to that boy at Popscene on Thursday, because I'm not the most social boy. I tend to fall for guys then dwell on them forever. It's like this fucking thing with Chris. I may have written this before, but if I met him now, I know I wouldn't dig him. I'd just think he's another scenester pop-punk/emo kid with wierd politics that likes girls and a guy that's not me. I'm willing to bet he wouldn't be friends with me if we met now. I geuss we have some history, and I really hope we continue to be some sort of friends. It's been more than two years since we ever had a relationship, but I still dwell on those three months. If it was even that long. I wish it seemed like he cared more. I don't care if he wants me like that, I just want him to care. I make myself sad thinking about it. I suppose listening to Jets To Brazil doesn't really help either, but so what.

I'm going dancing next week when I go home, and I'm going to try to convince Laura to go gay clubbing with me sometime while I'm still here. I geuss I want a real relationship, but a short fling would suffice for kicks. I know that sounds horrible, but I need someone to go to a dance club with me to look for dates, and I don't know anyone in the Bay Area that would go to a gay club with me. Oh well. I'm rambling. I'm tired, and this town is insane. Till tomorrow, diary, I'll be good and meet someone tomorrow. I promise to get out there and make a friend.

'You don't love me. I'm thinking of me. Why am I waiting for you to see I'm alive? Story book ending, I'm just a ledger, hardly worth a mention or the paper it's written on and cried upon and kissed once by wax. And still you treat me like you do, with every thing I've done for you.' ----'Starry Configurations' by Jets To Brazil