So, my dear diary, what is in the cards for this evening? Would you like to enlighten me? Geuss not. Oh well. I geuss that's one of those fucking things about not being telepathic, or at least not being a prophet. I don't believe in any of that crap, but it's fun to say. What's been going on you want to know? Not a whole lot. Laura left to go see the Blue Man Group tonight, and unfortunately there was not an extra ticket for me. So I'm left here to fend for myself. I went to one of her classes today, and it was incredibly boring. The teacher was charming, and cute in a geeky computer-nerd sort of way. Makes sense, considering he's teaching a programming class. I didn't mind sitting and listening to him ramble, cause he amused me. I got the strange feeling the only reason anyone had stayed enrolled in the class is because the teacher is cute. I geuss I have a few teachers like that at home. Jonathon, and Dan Murphy are both fond. Incredibly attractive personalities, if not physically. Jonathon is hot, but he's also married with kids. Dan isn't, but he has this sarcastic, dry sense of humour that just appeals to me. I had fun on my senior trip talking to Dan, and I challenged him to a game of Scrabble. We haven't played yet, but I promised I would bring a board and we could play at lunch. He's married too, and way, way too old for me to even think about, but he's totally fond too. I never really understood schoolboy crushes until this year. Now I see it's not as complicated as I had always thought. There's something attractive about someone in a position of power, that's also incredibly smart and charming. But then again, I just like to get crushes on people I can, and will, never have. That's my problem with straight acting guys. They appeal to me so much more than guys that are really effeminate, or obviously gay. But at the same time, the only straight acting gay guys I know, besides myself, are really insecure or are taken. Straight acting isn't a very good term to use; I don't act straight. I act like me. Nothing more, nothing less. I'm using that damn term as a description. It's so hard to avoid sounding like an asshole when I talk about gender issues. Maybe I'm just insecure. No, I know I'm insecure, but maybe I'm just avoiding the real issues. The real problem is that I don't even know if I'm gay. I don't think it's such a 'this OR that' question. I like guys, a lot. But I also get uncomfortable talking to them. I like some girls too, although I've never liked a girl in quite that same way. There are girls I want to sleep with, but so far there haven't been any girls I want to be with. Is that particularly stange? I don't have any idea, and I wish I did. I never met a straight guy that thought about sleeping with guys. So does that mean I'm actually straight? Or does that mean I'm gay? Or does that mean nothing? I'm going to sit and live in my delusions and assume it doesn't mean shit. That makes me happier, and more content with it right now. Whatever, I think I'm just dreaming about the shit I want to have, and those things that I can't and don't have. I like dreaming about it, but I don't want to dream to the point that I don't actually do anything to accomplish my goals.
And this fucking computer isn't helping me get off my ass. I'm going to go walk aroung Columbia campus and see if I can meet some people. Sure, I'll onlyh be here a few days, but aren't those few days of friendship better than nothing at all. And I'm not going to smoke either: I promise.
'You are so hot, I would like to steal your digits, and I'm so hung up on it, I would like to move away from it. And we are so caught up with things, we should pull each other's triggers. And I'm off. You thought you were smoking.' ----'Lounge (Closing Time)' by Modest Mouse