I went to see Blonde Redhead yesterday in the city. It was fun. I almost didn't go, but decided at the last minute that I wanted to spend time with my boyfriend and went in. I ran into Bonnie, who was strung out as fuck. She was skinny as all hell, and kind of scary. She said she has a new dealer in Oakland. She scared me. I was intrigued though. She says she has been fucked up for about a year and a half. Gram and a half a day. It's sad. I am clean, thank god. But it's scary. I'm not getting strung out ever again. I promise. And I mean that promise. I'm not going to say I'll never do drugs or drink, although I'm not right now, because I can't say that for sure, even though I think it. But I know I am never going back to where she is now. It's sad, and she's happy and sad on and off, and it's fucking revolting all at the same time. But that's life, and she'll pull through. I'm going to call her soon.

I feel amazing. I feel so in control of my life. I have an amazing boyfriend. I have a life in Santa Cruz that is small and contained with a few close friends here, and a few close friends far away. No bullshit. It's nice. I wish my health had been slightly better over the last few weeks, but it's cool. I ended up in the hospital a few weeks ago for diabetes crap. That can't happen again. I need to be able to get insurace when I get out of school forever, and as is, it's going to be hard. If I keep going to the hospital every six months or so, it ain't gonna happen. So I'm being ever vigilant about my health. Vigilant.

The world is incredible right now. The propganda is pretty amazing. The rhetoric is even more ridiculous. I am getting fascinated by good reporting. I am damn pissed I can't get the NY Times delivered to my house. I live off of NPR, KQED, and BBC World Service. I leave it on as white noise when I read, when I sleep, when I am writing right now. The news is to be dissected, to be analyzed critically. I am the only one that can tell me what I should think, and I still have no idea. I am so conflicted. I am not patriotic. But I believe in some of the philospohies that our government was supposed to have been founded upon. I am not going to go into a long sermon over my beliefs, but I am scared by society right now. I am doing photo essays on the state of rural American society in the post WTC world. I am doing some amazing photography. Steele, my camera, is treating me well. I have been shooting a lot of Polaroid (rest in peace, you fucking bankrupt assholes leaving me in the cold) on my Hasselblad with an NPC back. I bought a used waist level viewfinder today. It is in perfect condition and cost me $96. A new one (this one looks new) would be $250. But that doesn't mean I can afford it. I am broke.

I think about old friends. Ex-friends. They know who they are. It makes me sad to see how they've changed. How I've changed. They are sad. You fucking losers, why couldn't you have just told me?