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All Or Nothing

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[2001-10-22]-[3:33 a.m.]

So a lot has changed in two days. A whole fucking lot. And I am really depressed, I think. I don't know what to do. I have this intense paranoia that 'time apart' means it's over forever. That may not be true, but it really feels like it. And I wish it didn't. I really do love him. More than he knows it, I love him. He doesn't understand. And he really is self-absorbed sometimes. Refusing to see that there is another side to every coin. It takes two people to compromise, and I've spent far too long feeling like I've done something wrong when I don't really believe I have. Well, at least, I haven't done anything worse than the things any of us do. But I still feel like shit, because I want it to work between us. I know that this relationship means more to me than any other single thing in my life. And I don't know if that feeling is reciprocated. It may be, but I just don't know. And I get angry when he is too caught up in what he's doing to see that he's hurting me.

I wrote a bunch but deleted it, because I love him and I don't want to hide that behind anger, degrade it by petty bullshit resentments. I am willing to forgive everything if he can look past some of the things I have done. I am willing to compromise if he will too. I will walk to the ends of the fucking earth, as long as he stands next to me. And I don't think he knows yet whether I'm worth it. Whether he will. I want more than anything for that to be true. I want him to be able to look past the arguments and see the fundamental fact that I am in love, and hopefully he is in love with me too.

I feel like I am dying. Without him. And it's sad. Why can't he just be cool with the basic principle: I love you.

I am going to Berkeley to be with my mother who can comfort me. I am pathetic. But I feel like I need some comforting.

'Everything that keeps me together is falling apart. I've got this feeling that I consider my only art of fucking people over.' ----'3rd Planet' by Modest Mouse

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