I wonder whether he misses me. He hooked up with this dude we know. Yeah, I know, I went on a date, so fair is fair. But I didn't do anything with Sean. And I don't know if I'm going to. He got Nick off. He didn't get off. I really shouldn't be writing these things. But I'm trying to come to grips with my life. And Scott is a big part of that, even if we did break up. And the thing is, I'm really okay with it. It's a little hard for me since I knew Nick. I can imagine it in my mind, and it makes me sort of want to vomit. Nick is hot, sort of untouchable hot, and I think it's kind of gross, the idea of the two of them getting it on. And it's not like Scott did anything wrong. I'm not upset. I'm just sad. I would have done it too, if I had the chance. I may do it anyway with Sean. But we'll have to see about that. And I'm really glad he told me. Because I want to continue to be close to him, and I want to be able to be honest with him, and I really want him to always be honest with me. That's what love is all about. Love's not about fucking. Though that was nice too, with Scott. And I can fucking say for sure: masturbation isn't even any fun anymore. Scott was so much better. And as creepy as this is, I think about him when I whack off now. I want to know if he ever thinks about me. I know he misses me. He's told me, he's gotten drunk over me (and that's not something Scotty EVER does), he's told friends, and I know it. But how the fuck am I supposed to deal with missing him? I don't just stranger fuck. I can't fuck guys I don't like. And I don't want to talk to my friends about Scott, cause they'll get bored and think I'm whining. So I write it here. And I call him, and we talk, and that makes it better and worse at the same time. And I jerk off, and think about him, and that definitely makes it worse. And I go on dates with this guy Sean, and I think about Scott while I'm eating dinner with Sean. And I make it ok. I make my life a little better every day. I want Scott to come visit in a few weeks, maybe over Christmas break, after I've had a while to figure things out. And hopefully, at that point, we can find out whether we can still hook up, if we're both single. No one is counting on it, but at this stage I want to. That's why I know I can't see him now. I know I'll be ready when I'm not so hung up on it. But that seems like a Catch 22. Err, maybe that's not the right metaphor. It's just, I want him to come once I don't care whether he comes. Twisted, but twisted only to save my mental health. And I need it.

New York rocks. Czech language class also fucking rocks. Dobry den, dnes je dobr�.

Fuck missing shit. I'm having fun. I'm scared though. And I think it's a good fear. And I have a fucking date tomorrow night witha hot guy and we'll see if I can keep my mind and maybe my lips (and cum) on him. Is that vulgar enough for you?