We went to school togethor, and I liked the ride for the first time this year. School was annoying today. I was tired, and I didn't feel like putting up with immature assholes' bullshit. I was more than curt with a few kids today, but I also talked to Paul a bit, and Daniel, which was nice. I had lunch with Chris, and I don't know quite what to think of our conversation. I don't know whether I should feel bad or angry, or happy or anything else. More than anything I feel dissapointed. I would have liked it if he had said, 'Chuck, I do care. And I'm sorry, and I'll try to spend more time with you.' But no, he didn't really say much at all like that. He wasn't mean, just dissapointing. I don't want to write about it now, so I'm not going to. I've been thinking, lately, about what I want to be. I don't mean in terms of jobs, more like, what am I working towards today? I don't have a fucking clue. I need to do something, get a goal, something to work for, to motivate me. Obviously sex, no, actually relationships, are a big one. I'm going to Popscene on Thursday. Hopefully I will see Frank there, but I'm going alone if need be. I also want to start spending more time with the people who I feel like I don't have to watch every fucking thing I say around. With Nick, I can say anything, do anything, without feeling particularly self-conscious. Same with a few other kids, but not with all the mother fuckers at school. I feel like I have to work really hard to be friends with most of the kids at school, even those that I like and love. Sure there are a few exceptions, but even with my friends, I feel like I can't just be me around them. I try as hard as I can not to put on a front, but sometimes it's so hard when all I want to do is impress someone, or fuck someone. I guess those kids aren't my real friends, but I don't have very many real friends left this year.

You know what, that's what this whole thing is all about. I'm lonely, in a lot of parts of my life. On the relationship front I'm dying, on the sex part too. Most of my friends graduated last year, and what I'm left with is the kids that I wish I was better friends with but who are opposed to getting close to me. There's also a few kids left that I like, but who are either too young, or too new to my life to form any kind of meaningful bond with in the remaining few months. But this alone makes it hard to be content with what's left of the shambles that I call life and friendship. I don't mean to make it sound like I'm depressed; I'm not. I'm just frustrated, and sick of trying really hard and getting no results. I suppose it's better than not trying, but hey, fail, fail again. That's right. I just need to relax a little and do what makes me happy. I need to stop focusing on other people, and say 'fuck 'em' if they don't want me around. I can find others, and I will. It just takes a little more work, and a little more fun, and a little more dancing, and maybe, who knows? I'm going out tonight. I don't know where, but I'm going out. And fuck it, I'll listen to some raw music, and remember all the cool shit that has gone down this year. And remember that six months from now, I'm starting over in a new fucking city.

'In this schism that I call my soul, I always play the starring role.' ----'So Lonely' by The Police

and here's one more, because I just got this album in the mail and it rocks, even if their name blows. Go Switzerland:

'What a state of affairs that still leaves you cold, it's not quite normal. Awake now or do you keep on lying? I stamp out the storms of today, you're strong. Stand by! I'm boiling with rage. You're strong!' ----'You're Strong' by The Vanilla Muffins