[2001-04-16]-[11:18 a.m. with addition at 1:00]
Why does my life have to be so convoluted (sp?) right now? Why can't I just go through my day like all the other kids, without really caring about anything? I don't want to whine.
I'm sorry. I don't want to think badly about myself. My better half is what I want to be, even if I complain about it all the fucking time. I'm sorry I keep fucking things up, and I promise you, I'll try to do better next time. I wish I could be better at life, but I'm not capable of it. I promise you though, I will do the best I can, and I won't hurt you anymore.
Promise #3: don't fuck anything else up, and don't hurt myself, and don't fucking hurt the friends I have left, or the friends I want to have left.
'My mind don't need it, but my body do, a little bit of lovin' and attention from you. I know we're only strangers but I gotta come clean, I gotta come clean. I've got a crush on you. 1-2 I got a crush on you! Just one look and I go insane, 1-2 I got a crush on you.' ----'1-2 Crush On You' by The Clash (although I believe this may actually have been written by Mott the Hoople or whatever the other band was that Joe and Mick were in briefly before the Clash.)
(This piece added at 1:00) Well, it's a little later in the day, and I'm feeling much better about things now. I'm glad I wrote Chris that letter even if it is cheesy and immature. I meant it. I spent the last hour or two watching a tape of 'Sifl and Olly' that MTV sent me. Funny shit. You can't feel bad after watching that show. It's just such 7th grade humour, but it's brilliant. I love Chester, I feel like him. Kind of goofy, kind of dumb, but hopefully charming in my own way. At least I try to be. I geuss I haven't been doing so hot in that department, but I try. I feel like what I wrote earlier is aweful writing, but I can't bring myself to delete it. I meant it, and there's something I like in honesty, even if it is embarrassing. I'm trying not to hope for anything right now, just take it as it comes. See what may happen. I really am trying to get somewhere right now, though I don't know quite what I'm striving for. Maybe it's just a relationship that matters, maybe it's a friendship that matters, maybe it's security, I don't know. But I'm trying super hard, and I feel like it's working. 'Sifl and Olly' certainly helps too.'Well, I like to spit because, I like to spit because, I like to spit because it's gravity defying, gravity defying, gravity defying. If we had a spit contest, to see who spits the farthest, well my spit would win because it's gravity defying, gravity defying, gravity defying! I don't know who you are, but I hear you spit far, let's have a contest and see if you defy me, see if you defy me, see if you defy me. I like to spit because, oh I like to spit because, I like to spit because it's gravity defying, gravity defying, gravity defying! Oh yeah!' ----'Spit Contest' by Sifl and Olly (Matt Crocco and Mike Taylor)
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