I know I've been on a sort of a Jawbreaker trip the last few days, but I figured it would be worth it to explain myself about that whole 'better half' thing yesterday. I was feeling that yesterday, that I had this total dichotomy within me. There's my two pieces: what I want to do, and what I should do. One half just wants to go get fucked up, and wants to go tell untouchable boys what I think. The other is more realistic, and he just wants to sit in his room and brood, and listen to Blitz and go dancing this Thursday, and maybe get the balls to go hit on a boy. That's my better half, the half I wish I could throw out to the wind and just fuck shit up. But I have a conscience, and I have some morality, and I feel actual things now, and I can't. It was so much easier when i could just stick a needle in a vein and make it all go away. There was no better half then, just me, a fix, and I got a lot more boys then without really trying. I looked like shit, I felt like shit, and I hated everyone and all my friends hated me, I had no interest in sex, and I wanted to die. But it was so fucking easy, I want that. I don't need this shit. I need to get in a relationship, and I've been trying so hard lately, but to no avail. I'm sick. In a lot of different ways I'm sick. Litereally, Laura has given me her cold. In other ways, I worry about myself mentally. I do get crushes on strange boys, untouchable boys or boys that are too young for me, as well as one or two that are too old. I get crushes on girls, no that's not quite true, I want to sleep with a few girls, and there is a huge difference. This girl thought I was cute last night. I went to party with Nick at Sevannah's place (I have no clue how to spell that), and there was this girl Lauren there. We started talking about boys, and she was hitting on me pretty hard. I gave her my new shirt, because she really like it, but I told her I don't really swing that way. She was asking Gabe about me, and it made me feel really good. It was lighthearted and childish, but she was sweet and very nice to me. I didn't hurt her, and she didn't hurt me. It was nice, that hasn't happened for a while. I also tried to get togethor with Chris last night, but again, to no avail. He's dead intent on never actually doing anything with me. I know he doesn't mean to, but hey, it doesn't matter. I don't know why I even bother trying anymore, friends shouldn't make me feel this fucking bad. I don't really know what I'm trying to say. I'm confused right now, about almost everything in my life. I'm happy today, but angry and motivated. I would like to be content with just sitting in bed, but I want to do something. Maybe write my graduation speech or go play basketball, or something, anything. It's a beautful fucking feeling. More than anything, I want to get laid, or go dance, or do something that involves meeting new people. I've been feeling like I need to make some new friends. The current ones have so much history, so many memories to deal with, and it's nice, but I'm also overwhelmed right now. I need someone. No, I just want someone. I can handle myself, but I would like someone else to share things with. I've been rambling, but it's my truth. And I didn't fucking use today, and I haven't smoked in long enough that I feel good about it, hopeful, and positive about something I never thought I could actually stop doing.