Well, diary, I'm on the plane back to San Francisco. Strange, though, cute freshman boy is on the same plane as me, as well as this senior girl, Amy I think her name is. I don't know quite what it is with me and freshman boys, I just think they're precious. There's two of them currently that I would sleep with; this boy on the plane and Paul. Both are adorable, cute. I wish I knew this kid's name. I'm tempted to go talk to him; however, he's here with his mother. How precious is that!! I feel like I'm sick, you know, wierd. I think the strangest people are hot. They're usually on the young side, but are still mature. I like that cute, adorable, freshman look. Is that so bad? Am I fucked up? Grant was 21. But then again, he looked more like he was 18 or 19. I just have to watch out, I don't want to get myself into any trouble. Similarly, but totally not the same, there is a boy next to me who is sleeping with his head on his dad's shoulder, and it is so incredibly cute. Not in a sexual way, it is just cute, because this kid is probably 16, way too old to be comfortably showing affection with a parent. It's fond. I'm trying to drink a few boys off my mind at the moment, but again, Jawbreaker's right: it only does make the pain that much more acute. I feel like I should just 'kiss my better half goodbye, the monster inside me just wants to get out,' and just go and hop on freshman boy and take him right here on the plane. But I geuss that's just idle fantasy. Fantasies are worth something to me though. It sounds horrible, but it's just dreaming. At least I have Calculus to fall back on when my mind is dead set on getting into an untouchable boy's pants. That's the story of my fucking life. I feel like shooting dope tonight. I know it would destroy me, kill me, but I want that deadened feeling. Or is it lack of feeling? I haven't craved dope like this for a long time, and I refuse to fucking do it, but I can still want it. I look at my vein and I just want to forget everything, every boy, every bad fucking thing I've ever tried to do. I want to forget all about drugs. I refuse to fuck it up right now. I'm here today and I'll fucking deal with it, at least for one more goddamn day. All I promise is one more day, and tomorrow I'll promise one more.

I just want you, I just want you to care.