I'm not sure if I'm going to go to Popscene this week. Deathray is playing the same night at some bar, and I'm not sure if I'll be too tired to handle dancing after that. We'll see though, my brother said he would lend me his ID for the night if I did the dishes for him. So I have an ID Thursday and what I do is up to me. I'm going to try and get laid, no not really. I am going to try and meet a new person without fucking smoking, a new boy, that is under 21 and hot as all hell. That's wishful thinking, but I don't care. It will happen. I just have to put myself out there! I'm going to Santa Cruz this weekend to forget about boys and remember why I love Berkeley and love the guys I do. It will be fun to see JTB and Apphia, and get away for a while.

I've been thinking a lot about leaving and about boys and what I want in a relationship. I said it a few days ago, but I am a hopeless romantic, and I want someone that will do things that are sweet and fun for no fucking reason. I want him to do it because it's sweet, not because he wants something back. And I want to be able to feel good about doing little things like making paper stars for someone and leaving love letters on his windshield, and dress up all cute and nice and make dinner for him and love him and fuck him. That's what I want, now what do I have to do? He's not going to pop out of the blue and say 'hi,' but I'll go out and try to find him. I know that this is the same desire everyone has, but hey, it'll find me. It must. Again, my sugar is low and I'm rambling with little or no grammar. I can't wait to leave. I want to get away and stop thinking about all the people I know here. I want to forget all the bad things that have happened, and start fresh with a whole new group of friends. I love my friends, and I don't want to leave them, but I do want a new chance, a new deal in New York. I don't know, I may have to go to Australia to find it, but I'll find him eventually.

I'll find him and I'll make dinner for him, and it'll be sweet and precious. I talked to Daniel and Chris and Paul this morning and I love them. My younger friends, but they are mature in their own ways. They are the nicest people I could ever know. And they are adorably cute. (Not like that, but like kids who are 3 and 1/2 years younger than you.) I love them, and wish I spent more time with them.