I find it funny that so many people (myself fully included in this) continue to do so many things that they hate, cause them pain, regret, and bitch endlessly about. I did it for years with Chris. I bitch about work constantly. But when I see (hear, rather) a friend hanging out with an ex who they know at least logically is a fucking idiot, but emotionally they want to fuck senseless, and it just continues to hurt them, it is fucking impossible to do anything. I hate it. I found myself asking someone this weekend, 'why do you even hang out with him? it only kills you.' And there isn't any logical answer. I know. Because I did it forever. I still do with certain people. People I know are bad for me. People I know who hurt me. I still do it. And I know it. And there isn't any fucking explanation for it. It drives me nuts.

Sex really fucks things up. Scotty and I have been having problems lately because of sex. I want it when he doesn't. He wants it when I don't. So we haven't had sex in almost a week. I know, it doesn't seem like much time, but to me, a 19 year old boy, it's forever. I don't masturbate (often), because it makes sex better that way, so it gets frustrating. But, like tonight, I am ready for bed, and Scotty still hasn't called to get together like I though we would tonight, so when he does call, all I'm going to want to do is go to bed with him. WELL FUCK! HE JUST CALLED, and of course, he wants to check his fucking e-mail before i can come up and see him. That would be cool, but I know he wants to fuck. And by the time he gets through with the fucking computer, I'm going to be way too goddamned tired to fuck. I hate having to get up too early. He always does this. (I am bitching, nothing I say is accurate, but is purely distorted perception of events from a tired, annoyed perspective). Then again, he told me before I came up that he was going to do the computer thing, so I guess that counts for a lot. Last twelve times I've just come to sit and watch him do stupid shit on the screen for hours. At least he told me to wait. That helps. He's so fucking frustrating sometimes. I love him.

Good night. I am dying.

I like: Insulin, Scotty. I don't like: Waiting, friends who won't stick with their friends.

'Here comes everything you and me we'll work it out. Here it comes, you, me, we'll work it out. Here comes tomorrow here, comes tomorrow.