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All Or Nothing

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[02.17.02]-[12:58 a.m.]

Do you ever feel like you could be a case study for a clinical psychologist? You know, all your motivations, all reactions, all instincts are so pedestrian? I am so fucking easy to read it drives me nuts. Doug can just tell I'm unhappy with our friendship. Scott just knows when I'm pissed at him. I just know when the only thing I can do is read a book. But of course, the book I have to pick up depends on where I am going to be reading it. At home, I'll read The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, but if I'm at a coffee shop I read Ten Days That Shook The World. Don't get me wrong, both are great books. But no one cares if I read books about socialism. I care though, because maybe someone will notice, have similar political or social or economic ideals, and come suck my dick (figuratively, of course). Why are my emotions so simple? Or maybe it's that they are just too complicated. I can't really tell. I'm too fucking confused.

Confused or not, I am pretty happy. I miss Scott; he went to L.A. for a few days because he has Monday off school. I have to work, and I wasn't really invited. So I'm here. But Nick came down to visit with Nora today. Sort of just came out of the blue. Fucked up the plans I forced Doug into with me. But that's another story that really no one gives a fuck about. I hadn't seen Nora, exept maybe at a show or two, since Nick and I went to visit her in Switzerland over Christmas a year and a half ago. She, also, is too easy to read, and maybe that's why I don't really want to be friends with her. I like her, and I wouldn't mind, and I had a fucking amazing time in Switzerland, but I don't go out of my way to be great friends. It doesn't matter, really, she's Nick's friend, not mine, and I think no one thinks much more of it. Ramble ramble scramble scrabble.

More: like: the pme5 meter prism viewfinder I am going to try and buy on eBay tomorrow for $700 dollars, Ted Baker, Scotty Alexander Kepford, John Reed's social idealism, Douglas Adam's careless humour, folded laundry and made beds, lighters that say Switzerland on them, flowers planted in pepsi cans filled with water, Italian skinhead bands, cozy fires, seven foot tall stuffed bears that Scott puts in my bed and sleeps with us, idealism, romantic gestures, public sex, Rosie: the 'Winner's Bitch,' rings that have meaning to me, lyrics, gay erotica, sleep.

Dislike: I don't like not liking things. And if you call me a fucking hippie I'll kill you so dead. SO DEAD!

'I just don't fit in this place. Their thoughts cast me out of here. Their home has run out of space. My mind's already out of here. Won't you come along, dear? Won't you come along?' ----'A Boy's Best Friend' by The White Stripes

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