Daniel spent the night last night. I'm in love with him. I don't have a crush or anything, but if he liked boys, he'd be the perfect boyfriend. Not only is he incredibly cute, but he is so fucking innocent and honest. I love that. He's one good guy. I really hope some girl that he likes finds that out damn soon. He really deserves it.

I'm sort of done looking for someone. I've ran out of time. I have till the beginning of August, but that is hardly enough time to actually get a relationship that will matter. And I'm not looking for the two week thing that doesn't mean shit. I don't have the energy anymore.

I've wanted to use a lot lately. It's mostly just from being lonely. I won't do it. I see the veins on my arm jump out when I extend them, or when I'm washing my hands or using my fists. They look so good. They look like they are just asking me to stick a fucking rig in 'em and do it. It's so easy to just think that I can get strung out one more time, then move to NYC and get off it then. I want to kill all this fucking thinking with a $10 fix. It would be so easy to just kill myself like that. I don't mean kill myself like shoot myself in the head. I mean kill all this thought, all this fucking emotion. And it kills the sex drive too. I would still want a relationship, but the sex drive would die. And I'd look like I was dead, so I wouldn't get a relationship anyway, and I'd lose weight. Quickly. But I'd kill myself. And I can't take another run. At least not now. I want it so bad, but I know it's not going to happen. I don't want to die that badly. Not yet anyway. I don't want to die at all, really. I just want to kill my thoughts sometimes. But I wonder how much I'm worth it sometimes. I'm feeling lonely, that's all. It's getting better though.

I wish he'd ask me to do something sometime. I don't think he will. But I want him to. I'm sick of asking and him saying he can't. It's frustrating. I feel like I'm being annoying.