I'm worrying a bit about my sanity. Not that I think I'm crazy or anything. I just worry about whether I'm going to fuck myself over by doing something really fucking stupid. I don't really know what it is that I kind of want to do. Maybe it's drugs, but I don't actually want to, that's just sort of fantasy, dreaming about the best of the past. Maybe it's that I want to get a boy into my life (or bed) right now. I could do something stupid and be really up front and just ask him to go home with me now. But I'm not that confident and it would be stupid. I'd end up hurting myself. And I thought the whole point of all this idiocy was to make myself feel good.

I did something kind of silly last night. I asked him to go get drunk with me. He said no (what did I expect?). I wish Chris hadn't entered his picture. That would make this a lot easier on both of us, I think. But I worry about him. I don't think he's going to get over it soon. That's what happened to me (with the same boy). It hurt me so much for so long. I don't want that to happen to him. But what can I do? I guess my liking him probably doesn't really help. I can't really help it though. He can't help it either. I just want to know why it couldn't have been me. It's a question with absolutely no answer. I never will know. I doubt he will either. We'll see.

'I believe, and I don't believe. Don't run and go get help. I hate to bring you down but it's too late.' ----'Something Else' by 764-Hero