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I wonder whether he'll be here for me when I go to school next year. I wonder if he'll call me this summer. I doubt it. He doesn't care enough about me to take the initiative in getting touch. I wonder sometimes if he cares enough about anyone but the girls he wants to date, and about himself, to be a real friend. I don't have the energy or motivation to be friends the way we have been for years, on his terms. I refuse to give and give, with so little returned. I wonder whether I really hate him. It may just be envy. I don't know. The two are so damn close for me. I want to be as fucking naive and sure of myself as he is. He always thinks he is right. I usually end up saying I agree. I get mad at him, but after half an hour I want him to care so I end up apologizing. He has that effect on me. I hate him, I think, but I still know I'll be really happy if he calls. He won't call though.

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She scares me most of the time. I love her, but she scares me. She's so skinny, and aloof most of the time. She says she quit, but I can't know if I should believe her. She's pretty. I try and do things with her that involve eating. She doesn't eat enough, I don't think. We have an odd relationship. We're pretty close. I tell her everything. I feel like she lies to me. I have no real reason to think that, but I do anywy. We used to have sex every few months, basically at random. I stopped around a year ago, because I don't want a real boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with her and I know I do want a real relationship with someone I truly like like that. And I think it was wreaking emotional turmoil in her life. Again, I don't really know if it was, but I sort of think so. there's a lot of maybes with her. So many things I'm just not sure what's going on. I'm not observant enough, either. She scares me though, sometimes.

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I wonder whether it was all because of Chris. I mean, I did only notice him because Chris said (but I don't think meant) that he liked him. But it's not true; I liked this boy for myself. I don't like talking about Chris with him, but we do anyway. He said he couldn't be boyfriends with me. I just sort of want to know why. I want to know if it is just that he doesn't like me, or if it has to do with another boy. Chris? He says he's over it, but I think it was some serious heartbreak for him. He said he wanted to kiss me. I wanted to kiss him really badly. We never kissed. As much as I wanted to, I'm glad, in a way, that we never did. It's depressing, sure, but I know it wouldn't mean anything to him if we did, other than feeling bad for me. That would hurt more than this does. But in a lot of ways, I really want that pain. I want to know if those thirty seconds would be worth it. Yes, I bet they would. To me, they would have been worth it.

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What an egotistical son of a bitch. I used to want to be so much like him. I'd like to say I don't anymore, but I'm not sure if it's true. I tend to put up with his bullshit. He is my brother, but still. He thinks he's so hot, so talented, so worth everyone's devotion. It all comes from his band. He'll be a drug addict like I was within three years; that's my prediction. He already conned a doctor into prescribing Vicodin for him. He doesn't need it. He goes to Ariel's and takes three or four and then drinks a six pack and can't drive home. He's done that twice now. He is so oblivious to all his problems. He points the finger at me a lot, and I want to hold up a mirror sometimes. I love him. I support him and his band, but unlike most girls he knows, I see through his bullshit front. His girlfriend certainly rocks though. I think they'll be fucked when he goes on tour in a few months. I hope they stay together. I want to stay in touch with her anyway.

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