I talked to one of Scott's friends on the IM and it made me feel superstrange. I alos went to go see the very beginnings of a D&D game and that was weird too. I had a good time with both, but both kind of freak me out a bit.

I took a lot of pharmaceuticals last night: remeron, xanax, ambien, bextra, a bit of beer at D&D, too much.

I still couldn't sleep well. I dreamed odd dreams while awake this morning. I don't remember what, I just know it was Scott and someone else and I had a hard-on. I woke up. I jerked off, and didn't think much about it until now. I don't know. I need to stop whacking off when I dream about Scott. But it's usually not the thought that makes me jerk off, it's the physical feelings. And I don't know how to supress that, or even if I should. I odn't know. I jerk off too much now that my meds have stabilized and my body is free of toxins. At least, free of certain toxins.

I'm toxic. I really am. Don't ingest me.

Dexter is strange. I saw pictures of him and scott and I thought he was really hot. I told him so. It was not good, I kept telling him. I should have said it once. That's all But I rubbed it in, so I'm sure he thinks I'm a pedophilic stalker. Haha. Not quite. But I'm sure he thinks I'm weirder than I think I am. I liked him though, and he said he like me, even though we've only IMed.

I decorrated my room. I put up all my polaroids corner to corner in two groups: one from my hasselblad's polaroid back, and one group from scott's camera and my brother's camera. The sets are different formats, so it looks good having them seperate. It's weird. There are a lot of pictures of Scott in little clothing. He hated it when I took those pictures of him. And I'm starting to hate having taken them. It brings up strange emotions to see them every day on my wall. There are just a lot of pictures of Scott. I feel weird having them up. But I will keep them there. I like him there. I like all the photos there. Pretty soon, if I shoot some more polaroid I can have my whole wall a polaroid collage. I don't have a polaroid camera right now, and my polaroid back for the hassy is broken. SO FUCK.

Fuck off. I don't have time to waste.