I've been IMing with this dude that is a friend of Scott's. I wrote about Dexter previously, but it gets more and more intense. I did it originally because Scott told me not to, knowing full well that I would. But this guy is awesome. He's exactly like Scott in terms of interests. But he seems a whole lot like me in terms of emotions. And I love that. It's like an amalgamation of the two of us. I feel like I can be open with him, even though I don't have any reason to trust him. But I do anyway. There was some other shit too, but I don't want to write about it.

School plods along and I follow with my feet pointedinwards, staring at the ground. And that feels just right about now. I've been drinking some, and that's not helping me sleep even though I thought it would. But the pharmocology is helping. I wonder if I would get like I was if I stopped taking the meds. I think they really help. I feel alive. I feel human. I feel like I'm not getting fucked by anyone, and I hide, don't fuck anyone else either. And it feels good.

I can't forget my meeting tomorrow with my Czech professor to Ctu knihu se cestinem autorem. I need to practice, and I keep forgetting about our appointments. Funny that the one that I am going to make is the one on muj nerozeniny (b-day), when most years I'd like to kick back and take it easy. But this year I want to be as busy as possible. I know the heroin is just arouned the corner, and as poetic as it would be, I certainly don't want to die, not on my birthday, not ever.

I want to live forever. I want to see who takes Dante's argument and moves forward. I want to see what the prevailing opinions will be. I will die long before I get any answers to my questions. That's okay. I'll keep on asking.

I sent mum a picture of my new tattoo, and she took it better than I was expecting. She said she was surprised it was so big. But other than that, no criticism. I like that. I don't need critical people around me.

This boy Dexter is taking up too much of my thoughts for someone that I don't know, cannot be a sexual relationship (he's 16) and that could possibly repeat everything I say to Scott. I don't care so much about that except that Scott will think I'm picking him up, which I'm not, or that I'm trying to get closer/get back at Scott by stealing his friends. But I'm not doing that either. I just need some lizard friends. He seems perfect. And he is hot, though a bit young. And I don't know him aside from the computer.

I fell asleep with the light on and the music playing last night. It was strange to be tired and sleepy at the same time. I am always exhausted physically and emotionally, but I passed the fuck out. Pharmaceuticals? Maybe. But I think I'm just getting more adjusted to life. Sleep will come naturally soon.