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All Or Nothing

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[2001-05-14]-[5:48 p.m.]

Wierd day, diary, just plain wierd. I told you about my self-portraits, the ones with the pellet gun. I hung them at school on Friday, but I don't think too many people saw them then. Today I show up at school at about 1:00 p.m. hoping to avoid the teacher of the class I was supposed to be attending. I walk into the hallway where my photos are supposed to be, and someone comes up next to me and says he saw one of the art teachers taking them down. This kid says that Jonathon, one of the English teachers, really hated the content or something. He complained to the art department, and the teacher removed them. I talked with Jennifer, the art teacher, for a while. I understand why they took them down; however, I don't agree with their reasons. Understanding doesn't necessarily equal agreement. I hate to sound like the clich�d artist, but isn't one of the purposes of art to evoke reactions, emotions, and dialogue? Why is a school setting the wrong place for the prints? Aren't high school students old enough to look at art and think about guns and violence and sex and angst? They were by far the most conceptually potent pictures I've ever made. I never expected anyone to be offended by them. I thought I would get a lot of shit for being topless in them. I was worried about them just because I am self-conscious. Maybe that's saying I'm conceited, for worrying not about the real issue, but about personal embaressment. I don't know. I am self-conscious, ridiculously so. I don't think this was conceit, merely my personal insecurity showing. At any rate, I may not be able to have the show that I want to display for the Senior Art Show. It's kind of up in the air as to whether I will be able to display these. Maybe if I get more prints togethor that fill out the series and add more of a context, maybe if I put a really specific statement next to the work, but it's all maybes. Nothing is sure, and I hate that. I like to know. I don't like worrying. I like having everything be accepted for what it is. I like being accepted for who I am. I never show myself for who I am, so I guess it's hard to get that.

I feel like I'm always putting on some front. It's usually a shield to hide my insecurity, or maybe to show it. I don't quite know which. It often has to do with trying to impress the people that I wish liked me. The schoolyard plague again. It's always in me. I want to be accepted, no, more like loved. I want the kids that I am in love with, those that I idolize, to want me like I do them. It never seems to happen. Or at least only rarely. To quote someone else's writing (sorry for stealing this, but I love it): 'I wish I was an investment someone was willing to make.' I think that's quoted right anyway. I feel that. I don't feel wanted, or even liked or needed. I'm needy I guess. We'll see how it goes.

This whole art thing is providing a good distraction away from sex and/or relationships. I haven't really been thinking about it or obsessing over it too much lately. I'm accepting fact that the boys that I would love to be in a relationship with are either taken, don't like me, or it's not possible because it would create conflict within friendships. I'm not really trying too hard lately. Or at lest the last weekend or so. I'm decently happy while I'm alone at the moment. I'm not happy with being alone, more happy while I am alone. It's a subtle distinction, but it's important. There aren't really any new prospects, and I haven's been thinking about those one's that are in the past. Maybe I'll try to find someone new to obsess over. That's not what I want to do, but that's usually the way it works out. I'd obsess over **********, but that's bullshit. That would be incredibly fucked up to other people, and I'd wonder if I was doing it because it would annoy **********. I'm not even sure I like him like that. I think he's really, really nice. But I don't know about THAT. Give me a few days, weeks or months to think it over, and maybe I'll figure myself out. I doubt that.

'Soul scars and homeward bound, when all your dreams are falling dead to the ground Soul scars and a grinding pain. Old friend, memories remain.' ----'Seen It All' by Bombshell Rocks

'I hope the feeling stays. It's like a lover's sweet embrace. I'm right here so come and get me.' ----'Embraced' by Bombshell Rocks

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