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All Or Nothing

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[11.09.02]-[3:21 p.m.]

So he's sleeping in the bed next to the computer I'm typing at. It's scary. He came. I had roughly 36 hours notice. Typical, but not necessarily bad. I'm mortified. I make subtle signals that I cannot help. I touch his hand, no, I hold his hand which is holding the railing on the subway. What does this imply? I don't fucking know. And now he's asleep next to me, and I don't know what that implies either, other than he is fucking tired from a sleepless overnight flight. Tonight promises to reveal much about myself. Might reveal much about Scott, though he will likely remain enigmatic, even if he chooses to tell me everything. I am expecting little clarity. But I want to know. Do I? What the fuck do I want?

There's not much else to write about. I'm totally confused. I'm happy to see him. I truly am ecstatic. I just want to know, really, what kind of affection is allowed, and what isn't. And he's no help with that. I can either just keep going on until it's too far, or I can go as far as I want at the right time and be happy with that. But that requires waiting for the right time. And now, I believe, is not the right time. And it would not surpise me if the opportunity never presents himself. And I KNOW I SHOULD be okay with that. And I don't know if I am. I honestly don't no if being affectionate with Scott is healthy or reliable for me right this second. And the only answer is to play it by ear. The only thing I know I won't be happy about is if nothing at all ever gets addressed. And it may not. It might not ever come up. We might both put our guards up and our intellects up and our fucking common sense up and never interact in the way that leads to understanding or at least to fucking.

Enough. I'm done.

'You've got a pretty vision in your head, a pencil full of poison lead.... You say you mean well. I know you don't know what you mean.' ----'Everybody Cares/Everybody Understands' by Elliott Smith

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