So did I come to any conclusions today? Yes! I figured out A) I have no fucking clue what is up with Scott and me, but I do know it is okay for me to talk to him, because I won't let myself do anything less. B) The White Stripes are particularly poignant some days. C) Insomnia can be fun. D) I have shit to be proud of. E) Pride isn't always good. F) Tattoos make me happy, so fuck off. G) Scott drives me bonkers. H) I take pride in being bonkers sometimes. I) Where the fuck did all my friends end up? Seems like they all disappeared. J) Where the fuck did all these acquaintances come from? K) My priorities are all fucked up. L) I like the way I have my priorites stacked. M) Ideology is definitely a negative thing, no matter what my teacher tells me, despite foisting his idiology on me at the same time. N) Controlling peoples minds is more important and more wrong than anything else. O) Alphabets suck.

Time to start something new. That's part of my new priorities. Starting new things should rank right up there.

I started a new book today. That's not what I meant at all.

I started thinking for myself for once in my fucking life. That's more what I meant. I realized that there isn't a goddamned thing I can do about a lot of peoples perceptions about me, about the world, about anything. And I decided that I will listen, but I'm fucking jaded, and I'll take everything with a grain of salt, and read and think and write for my fucking self and fuck you if you don't want to read or listen or discourse, it's my own fucking head. I'll do what I want with it. And that includes keep this silly looking fucking indie rock mohawk I've had for the last few weeks.

Yes, I know it looks stupid.

I just don't care anymore.

Time to go do something different. No time to write now. Not here, not here.

Fuck. Might have some fucked up shit brewing right now. Don't know what to think about it. Scott may be coming to visit me this weekend. I'm mortified and fucking amazed that he suggested it even. Even if it doesn't happen, I can't believe that. I never can get a grip on things. I never can guess other people's motives right. Or even their intentions, fuck their motives. I'm just shocked. I'm really happy. I wonder if it's deceptive happiness. I wonder, I mean, if I should be happy. But I am, and I haven't felt happy enough lately, so I'm not going to delve too deep in attempts to second guess it!

Oh one thing I've been meaning to write about lately, even though this entry is already way longer than I intended. I woke up a few days ago, after only a few hours of sleep, maybe three. And my hand had been curled in a fist the whole time I think because I woke up and I had a fist and my palm is bruised and aching from where my middle finger hits the crease from my thumb. It's weird. Why would I sleep doing something so painful unconsciously? It really hurts. I wonder if it's internalized something or other.... I dunno. I sound like I'm in group therapy. I'm not. Really.

'Never thought I'd see the day, playing with my life this way.' ----'Deathwish' by The Police