I have twenty minutes to write two lifetimes worth of shit. Scotty came to visit. It wasn't nearly as scary as I was expecting. Yes, we did. No we aren't back together. It was perfect. And I feel so much better about the future. I feel like things could be like this again over Christmas, or they couldn't, and I'm cool either way. And that's not just stoicism. I really feel a lot more able to let go of the emotional chains that have been binging me lately. It's strange that getting so close to someone again, physically, could detach me from the emotions that plague me. I didn't really say 'I love you' and he didn't say it back, really, but we both know we meant it. I feel fucking amazing. Scott has a lot to do with it, but not his presence or the fact that we reverted to the same patterns we had when we were going out (me holding his hand, kissing him in public, my horniness) but we talked and figured it's okay, as long as we both realize we are NOT back together. And if neither of us is dating anyone when we are in the same town, great! We'll keep this up, at least that's what I want. But at the same time, we have nothing holding each other back. There is no guilt. Remorse is not an option since we are firm in our decisions and our motivations. I'm fucking happy. I'm still going to look for new people, just as he will. That's a given. But who knows about the future. I'm a lot more comfortable (and comforted, since he was so caring) that I am really finally ready to let go of that emotional web that constricted me. I'm just happy. And I'm okay witht he future, no matter whether or not that involves dating, fucking, or marrying Scotty. The sex was just an added bonus. We fit together well, and this weekend reinforced that. But I am also cool with not doing it if it's not right. And that's that. Our relationship is relegated to the past. What happens in the present is seperate from that, though the emotions can be tied. It makes little sense, written, but it means something. It makes everything beautiful. It makes everything okay. And it's going to make the rest of the semester until I come home for Winter break pleasant.Things we did: went to moma queens, PS1, saw The Ring, saw this Hong Kong action flick called The Story of Ricky, had sex twice, cuddled and he instigated the sex (not me), talked a few times about the state of affairs, had two meals with his Auntie, made a mess of my room, shopped in SoHo, kissed goodbye and had a comfortable, amazing time. I'm really glad he came (in all sense of the word, not to be too vulgar.) All I'm trying to say is I think I got everything I wanted, even though I didn't know what I wanted beforehand. And that's grand.
'All I want right now, is for you to see I'm all right, don't need you no more. I won't cry for you, baby, won't shake no tears now.' ----'I Won't Cry For You' by The Blue Beat Stompers