I was talking to someone who I though hated me. But he said he doesn't. Well, he wrote it anyway. He made me think a bit about the decisions I've made in terms of who to let get close to me. In high school, when I was maybe a sophomore or junior, I got clean off heroin and came to my senses for the first time in along time. I had a lot of 'friends,' poeple who said they were but weren't. People who I didn't care about, who didn't care about me. I had a ton of acquaintances; I knew a lot of popular people. Maybe I was popular, maybe I wasn't, I don't really know. But I got clean and threw it all out the window. At the end of my junior year all my friends left. They all were older than me, and had all moved either that year or the year before to New York, Santa Barbara, Boston, Chicago. And I got clean and decided I didn't want any of it. I wanted the few people that I cared about, that actually gave a fuck if I was dead or alive. And I realized I only really wanted (and I only really HAD) about five friends. A few were in the Bay Area. Most were in New York. And I loved it. I had a few people that I could count on until the ends of the earth. And I did. And I do. And I love it most of the time. BUt this week school got out in Santa Cruz, and literally every person I know has left to go home for winter break. But I have a job, and I have to be here all month. My boyfriend went home for a few days, and I came home from work today and I was all alone. Finally Doug came home (he moved back today, thank God). But I felt so alone. And it wasn't like that Third Eye Blind song (blow me, I listen to them and you can suck my dick if you criticize me for it, I went on tour with them last summer and it rocked) 'I've never felt so alone. And I've never felt so alive.' It wasn't like that today, though it usually is. I just felt lonely. I felt like no matter what I did, there was no one i could go see and talk to. I was forced into seclusion, and I felt fucking lonely. And I still do. And that decision sophomore year, whether it was unconscious or not, has made me feel really lonely sometimes. Not most of the time, but sometimes. I'm not depressed, just a bit lonely. It'll pass. I know that. And this has been really honest. I am going to crawl into the bed that I made while I was bored and exhausted after work today and watch Daron Aaronofsky's 'Pi' and dream about Math, and the calculus class and the welding class I am going to take at community college in February. And dream about the boyfriend that will come home to me soon. And dream about the friends that I can count on for anything. The friends who I can ask anything of and who I will give anything to.'But no one can save me now. I'm lost just like a cow, madness burning inside my brain. I'm falling to pieces.' ----'Mad Kow' by Weezer