i looked him in the face and told him i didn't lie.

i didn't lie.

well, i didn't look.

but i still didn't lie. it's the same thing. i can't look. look at that face. that face that doesn't trust me. that face that has been replaced by a face so much more beautiful. a face that people criticize me for. but a face that is better than my own. a face that is white, pale as fuck white. but it's hot to me. i go to the doctor and he tells me i have anxiety attacks. i take his drugs. he won't even give me the 2mg ones. only the .5s that don't do shit. so instead of 60 of them, i really have 15. because i gotta take four of them to not flip out when i go into the campus bookstore to buy my school books.

but all this quasi-fiction isn't really cutting it. i'll stick to the facts.

i want him here. i want to work it out so that he can get here. i need to make a few hundred dollars without selling myself. i can't sell myself. he knows that. i won't do it. i could sell camera gear. but that's such a hassle and as soon as i sell it, i'll want it back.

i remember times. i rembember walking to drawbridge. the place probably fell into the ocean. maybe. into the bay. i go back to class at 6:30. I took the docs drugs, so i'll probably be a wreck. but i was a wreck earlier. tried to get to the bookstore, and i couldn't breathe for like two hours afterwards. called the doctor. he gave me emergency script. it's not enough of the drug, but it'll help. this shit i can take every day, have in the AM and a whole in the PM. it'll keep me off the dope. i'm staying off that shite forever. for realz.

i miss.... lots of things. i miss security. i love the seurity D provides me. i get really scared. really scared sometimes.

love.

i skipped calc II yesterday, so i'd better fuckin get up at 7am tomorrow to make the class in plenty of time. I'd fucking better or else I'm fucked. FUCKED.

life (wow, i accidentally timed love) is grand.

It's all stellar. D is stellar. i don't worry about getting dumped right now. And at the same time, I'd understand. I don't want it. I want this to work for ages. Forever.

It will.

if i can help it.

i dream of flames. and a wall. and us two behind the wall. and no one else. and it's nice, to be alone with him. i want to be alone with him.