I come in today from working at my mum's. Been helping her out with some bookkeeping, and Dexter just starts yelling. Saying he never gets any time alone, that all this shit. I worked as long as him today, and all I wanted to do was come home. And he tells me to leave. No, he yells and and yells, and screams and says I never leave him alone and then he falls on the floor in fits and starts almost crying. And then I yell at him and tell him he treats me like shit and if he wants something from me he should ask like a normal human being.

He's had a bad day. Two of his old classmates killed themslves this week. I'm sympathetic, but you can't go around yelling at the world and expect anyone to help. It frustrates me that I believe I have tried very hard to help Dexter and he maintains that besides financially, I've never been there for him. It hurts me. I don't know what to say. I've tried. And he pushes me away, always. Maybe I stopped trying. I don't know. Our relationship is over. It upsets me, but if that's how it is, well, there's not much I can do except acknowledge mistakes in hindsight. Try to patch things up enough to maybe be friends. Maybe something more later. But I'm not keeping my hopes up about any far off dream. Because essentially that's all it is. I have no hope. And I don't know if I'd take him back. He really has behaved pretty abhorently. And that's coming from someone with behaviour issues. I love him. And he knows that. But that's not enough to save this thing. The ship has sunk, and no amount of restoration will bring it back up to the surface. I hate that. That I didn't see it coming and do something to either ameliorate the pain or prevent it altogether. If I had been less self-centered maybe I would have done all the things that would need to have been done for Dexter to be happy. I'm of the opinion that no matte what I did, he would never be happy. There's nothing I can do change him. That's all surface stuff, he needs to change himself. He'll only do that with time alone. Maybe the same for me. And I won't give him that in a relationship with me. I've tried to stay out of his way the last few weeks since he left me, but not well enough, I guess.

I'm really depressed.

I don't think about suicide much as a valid idea. But I do think about it. I think I threw it out the first time I actually tied a noose and hung it up. I decided it was ridiculous and would not accomplish anything. It certainly wouldn't make me happy. Nor anyone else.

God this is inane.