About 5:00 p.m. Shannon, of all people, calls me and tells me she's having an 80's party at her house, and invites me not only to the party, but also to come early and help her decorate. That excited me greatly. I really, really like her. She's so sweet and cute, and nice, and sweet, and cute, and I really, really like her. What an identity crisis. Only it's backwards. I'm gay, but I like HER. So wierd, but it's ceased to bother or confuse me. I just go with it. I went over there, and we talked and decorated, and were kids togethor. My mother had bought some Newcastle for me, and we both started drinking. People came, and it was a fucking party. Everyone dressed all 80's, and we cut the sleeves off the new shirt I bought today to make it even more 80's. It looks cute. Billy Idol and the Eurythmics and Squeeze blared, Ferris Beuler and Heather's played on the T.V. and kids danced and talked and cuddled, and kissed. Shannon and I were friendly, but again, like at the Jets show on Wednesday, our touching was more than friendly but still not sexual. I did kiss her on the lips for the first time, but even that wasn't sexual. She wanted me to kiss her on the cheek (she asked me to), and we just both kind of turned the right way and we kissed briefly on the lips. Sparks were felt (at least on one side, hopefully two). Just before I was leaving, we were lying on her bed, and we were so close. My head was on her stomach, and her hand was on my chest. It felt good. We were both feeling the alcohol a little bit, but I didn't want to push it, so I told her I was leaving. We embraced and I came home.

I like this girl a lot. I'm so sick of the boys in my life, and this is a fucking refreshing prospect in a series of depressing situations. Chris is out of mind and out of sight (thanks only to him, I fucking tried and will continue to try to be close, but at this point it will take some effort on his part too). Popscene boys are out of the picture at least untill Thursday, and Shannon is here to make me feel good, adequate and even sexy. I feel good around her, and that doesn't happen to me too often. It's so odd, but I feel good about liking her. I haven't felt like this since middle school. That's not true, I felt like this about one boy a few years ago. At any rate, I get nervous when I see her. I want to make my move, but I don't want to fuck up. I get a bit tongue tied around her, and I feel good and anxious and scared about it. But at the same time it's fucking amazing to be this worked up. Sure it is a girl, but so what? I don't mind, hopefully she won't either. She is awefully close, so who knows? I love the boys I will never have, and the ones I will never have again, but I am hopefull for this new possibility for my wrecked love life.

'I need someone, a person to talk to, someone who'd care, to love. �Could it be you? Could it be you? Situation gets rough, then I start to panic. It's not enough, it's just a habit. Hey kid your sick. Well darling, this is it. You can all just kiss off into the air. Behind my back I can see them stare. They'll hurt me bad but I won't mind. They'll hurt me bad, they do it all the time.' ----'Kiss Off' by The Violent Femmes