Today has been a complete set of hassles, one after another. I am incapable of being happy about anything that has gone on in the last 24 hours. Nothing horrible has happened, but also nothing good or exciting. Wait, that's not true. One good thing happened. I met a nice man who was old and funny. Yesterday I went to this bar near school that had a sign in the window for two dollar cosmos during Will and Grace. I've always wanted to watch the show, and Cosmos are my favorite drinks, so I decided to borrow my brother's ID and go. I walked in, and immediately two gay guys started asking me who I was, if I'd been there before, and just being really nice. One guy was named Michael, and he was 36, the other was Phillip, and he was 25. We talked a lot, they were trashed, and we all ended up going back to their place with this girl whose name I can't remember. We just sat around and traded questions. They grew up in Maryland and North Carolina, so they were interested in what it is like to be a gay boy in California. They were especially interested in the fact that I was fucking a boy in seventh and eigth grade, before I'd ever even considered girls. They weren't creepy, just interested and sweet. I took a few pictures while I was there, and I made plans to meet at the bar next week. It was fun. That was the only good thing that's happened lately. I went to Popscene after that, and immediately started hitting on straight boy after straight boy. What a fucking drag. Everyone I hit on was like, 'Sorry, I don't swing that way.' They wouldn't even dance. I ran into this guy Bobbo, whom I haven't seen in close to three years. Last time I saw him, I was strung out, and we were at a speed and coke dealer's house. That lady was nuts. It was pretty cool seeing Bobbo though, and I talked to him a lot last night. We caught up, and he tried to set me up with this boy Mike. Mike said the lamest fucking thing to me. He said that he was in an internet relationship with some boy in New York so he couldn't go for me. WHAT A LOSER. I HATE COMPUTERS! I ended up dancing till about 2:00 a.m. then I went to some wharehouse in the Mission with some girls who I didn't know (somehow they knew Bobbo or something). We sat around for about an hour in this wierd computer game designer company wharehouse for a while. I was fed up with boys at this point. The girls kept saying they were going to turn me straight, but they didn't succeed, although I think one of them did think I was cute. I hate it when girls hit on me. I feel bad for telling them I don't like them like that. I bet they hate it as much as I hate it when a boy tells me he's straight. What the fuck?Today was spent being frustrated with Christopher. He told me yesterday that he was free tomorrow morning, but today he tells me he can't hang out. Typical. Just fucking typical. How can I hate someone I love so goddamn much? I hate him right now; I want someone to MAKE time to spend with me. I want some friends who are willing to go out of there way to just have fun with me, and see me, and go do stupid fucking shit with me. (Pardon my language, but I'm angry and sad.) Why do I always feel so sad when I talk to him? Why do I feel so fucking insecure and why do I always feel like I'm never quite good enough? Maybe it's just the fact that he never goes out of his way for me, while I try to jump hoops for him. I love him, I want to spend more time being a kid with him. I wish it was mutual. Or if it IS mutual, I wish he took it into account when he always says 'no' to doing a fucking thing. He did call and appologize for flaking out on me yesterday, which definately helped me feel a little bit better. But that kind of got overtaken by my feelings when he said he wouldn't/couldn't do anything tomorrow. Fucking loser. I don't mean that, but I say it anyway. I think I'm a pretty needy guy. It's the schoolyard plague all over again. The kids I want to be close to won't, and the kids I hate want to be close. What the fuck?
'Hey God, I dare you to say it to my face. Hey God, I'll pull you outta the sky and make you 14 again. You'll never say another word about blame.' ----'Planet SHHH' by Cap'n Jazz