On a less transcendental topic, I had a very strange night tonight. Work was a drag as it has been the last few weeks, and I just wasn't thinking straight tonight. I ended up telling this guy I would take his shifts Sunday night, and maybe Saturday night too. That's means I'm supposed to be there Friday night, Saturday day and night, and Sunday day and night. It would mean a massive paycheck but I don't want to devote my whole weekend to the museum. I love it there, but I don't love it enough to be in there for basically three days straight, 11 hours a day. Whatever. I also managed to apply for another fucking job there, as an on-call receptionist. That would mean more hours, at a lot higher pay rate, but no set hours. I'd only work when someone else needed a shift covered. But this is wasting my time. I'll get to the fucking wierd stuff. And I never did talk to Matt today, much less come to a decision about whether to ask him on a date. It kind of slipped my mind, so it can't be too important to me.

My mother decided not to go to the show, much to my dissapointment. I was looking forward to doing the punk rock with the mother. But whatever, it gets good anyway. I needed to see someone tonight; I was going psychotic in my absent-mindedness and delirium. I called Christopher, but he was busy or some shit. He's always fucking busy. That's not the point; I'm just frustrated with my friends for not spending more time with me, it's not just Chris. It's everyone. At any rate, I called Shannon, my prom date. She said she would love to go to the show with me. I met her at one of her friend's houses after I got off of work, about 10:00. We went to the show and went in. When Jets played, we just held each other throughout every song. We kind of caressed each others shoulders, and squeezed each other. I kissed her on the cheek a few times, sometimes because she asked me to, other times because I just wanted to. It wasn't particularly sexual, but it was more than platonic. I don't know quite if she felt the same things as I did, but I sure felt good, and wierd, about it. I have a crush on her. It's hard for me to say, that I have a crush on a girl. But I guess I do. I don't want to fuck her or anything, but I do want to hold her and kiss her and feel her and smell her. I don't know quite what it's about. I want guys. I'm gay. But I want her. I'm having the opposite identity crisis I had six or seven years ago. Only it's not really a crisis; I'm not upset about it, nor does it scare me. I just want to tell her, which I haven't done. We are going to prom in a few weeks, and if it's going to happen it will happen then. I'll talk to her beforehand though. I want to talk to her now, tell her how I feel. I'm going to. She may get wierd on me, but I think she'll at least understand. I think it is in some way mutual, at least she sure was caressing me too. But it was nothing totally up front, so it's hard to really know. Whatever, I'm tired and I'm happy and I'm scared. Good night.

I love you.