I haven't seen Chris today, but I was thinking about him a little bit. I really wish we could be closer, but at the same time I don't know if I really will ever be happy with our friendship. It's never going to be what I want, and it will never even be close. I don't even mean a relationship. I mean that it will never be a friendship like I want to have with those that I'm close to. Or at least it never will be if he continues to be so busy, so uncaring, so fucking popular, and 'emo' without having any fucking emotion about our relationship. And it's more than that. Unless I stop being such a fucking dick about it, it won't work to my satisfaction. I really am kind of mean about it when our plans fail (which is what usually happens when we make plans). The kids I'm close to, the friends I have, I don't have to fucking persuade to do something for two hours between seeing other people. I hope he doesn't read this, because it's written a lot harsher than I mean it. I want friendship that's closer than he's willing to have, or at least closer than he has the energy for. That's not his fault, it's just frustrating. I love him, but I hate him for it. (Note: immediately after writing this Christopher asked me if I wanted to play tennis tomorrow, and I actually believe he may even stick to these plans! I feel like a dick now for saying all that shit, but it's still true, or at least it was at the time.)

Someone was writing about how they were going to make a crush list, and I decided to do the same. Here's all the fuckng kids I can think of off hand, and many of them go back years and years. I don't know too many of these kids any more: Shannon, Alex, Grant, Nick, the other Nick, one more Nick, Grant, Brent, Chris, Matt, Caitlin, Shawn, Mike, Paul, Conrad, Dan, Daniel, Jeff, Marc, Mark, Alex (the other one), Mike, Blake, Brady, Billy (Idol), Todd, Steven, Gib (maybe), David, Jay, I can't fucking do this. I'll add the rest later. There's just too many fucking memories. Too many crushes I never did anything about. I've grown up so much in the last year. I don't have any more real crushes where I don't even try. I don't make friends with the kids I like, I actually go for it now. I make it clear fromt he beginning that it's more than friendship I want. If it ends in disaster, so fucking what? I tried, and that's what's important. I feel so good even when I fail now. I think that I'm growing up. It sounds so damn cheesy, but it's what's true for me today. I feel so much older than I did a year ago, strung out on heroin, staring at boys I knew I would never get, getting with guys I didn't like just because I was lonely, and being fucking angry, dumb, and miserable. Even though I have tough times now, it's not the same. I don't go get a ten dollar fix, and feel so good on the surface for three hours before getting another ten dollar fix to try and cover up any damn thing I felt. No emotion, no pain, but at the same time feeling so bad. I got beaten. But it's over, and I'm never going back.

I'm looking forward to this. I'm scared. I'm nervous and anxious. I don't know how to say it. I'm trying though, and that's all that matters. And if it ends in disaster, I'll find another fucking crush to actually do something about.