I've had a reasonably introspective day. I've been in kind a mood all day. I don't know exactly how to describe it. Not quite depression, not quite fucking anger, not quite peace. I've just been somewhat down, somewhat pissed. Jawbreaker is a soundtrack to my life today. Kiss the Bottle, except, I'm not drinking, and I'm not going to, at least until I get off work today. I'm supposed to play chess tonight with Nick and Frank. That'll be fun. Frank is awesome. He took me to Popscene a few weeks ago, and he's cute. He wrote me a funny e-mail a few days ago. It said something along the lines of "you're so lucky, you don't have to deal with girls' bullshit. Guys are at least somewhat predictable. It would be so much easier." Little does he know. Guys are the fucking worst thing in my life right now. It's always one guy or another, just stressing out over him. Whether it's Chris, Alex, Nick, Danny, David, Paul, the other Nick, or any of the other fuckers I've liked, loved, or fucked, it's all the same. I trip out for a while. Some of these guys I've hoped for and gotten depressed over, and tried so hard for so long. Never works out though. Or maybe it works out for three months, and then I spend the next two years wanting those three months. Those three months last in my mind and in my memories eternally. At least, that's how it seems right now. Forever can last for such a short fucking time. I'm going to work tonight. I'm gonna cut up a few cow's eyeballs for a bunch of kids who are going to watch and forget every word I say. They'll watch, go "ewwwwwwww, that's gross" then walk up and leave in the middle of my dissection. It's demeaning. I hate it. Kids are such dicks. But I geuss I just have to laugh and remember the first time I saw an eye get cut up, or stuck my finger through the middle of a pig's heart. I geuss I was pretty disgusted. I've grown pretty accustomed to a couple completely discusting things. I'm just going though a crisis of the mind at the moment and I like to take out all my fucking aggression on undeserving people. I have no problem with that. Take it out then go home and cry. Whatever. Then kiss the bottle, tears for two, you when you're lonely.
I switched over to Bombshell Rocks to try to make myself a little less angry. Angry music, at least music about society's fucked up qualities makes me feel so much better. Is that so wierd? I don't think so. This gets me energized to take on the coming night and not dwell on my life. It's looking better allready.