I'm good. My camera is probably my best friend. His name's Steele. He's awesome. I think I'm obsessive/compulsive, in many aspects of my life, but with the camera and boys in particular. I get so worked up about both. I want my camera to be a boy. I treat him well. I take care of him. He takes care of me and my prurient and voyeuristic interests. No, that's not meant to be completely sexual (though sometimes it can be), merely that I like being on the side of the lens where no one sees me and I can spy on the world and make what I want out of it in my picture. It's my make-believe of sorts. Don't let anyone tell you pictures are truth. Ask any photographer and they'll tell you that's bullshit. It's one truth, be not THE truth. This beautiful piece of machinery is awesome, and he hasn't let me down.

I waited a long time for Caitlin yesterday. Laura and I waited from 7:20 till 9:00 or so at a resaurant. I drank a whole shitload of sake while waiting. (So much for not drinking.) But sake doesn't get me drunk, no matter how much I drink. I feel fine this morning. She eventually showed, but she got lost in West Oakland (no where near the restaurant). This happens often enough to her that I've come to expect it, and kind of laugh at it. It's my fault too, a lot of times, because I show up most everywhere early. I'm obsessively punctual most of the time. Annoyingly so, actually.

I am still a boy with no backbone, that melts to fit into somebody elses form of what's appropriate and what's right, and what's good for me. I can't stand up for myself, no matter how hard I want to. It's hurting me, but I'm happy about it anyway. The actual result isn't hurting. No, it's only the confusion, the lack of answers, the mixed feelings, the weird shit that I can't ever seem to understand or interpret correctly; these things are the ones that hurt. It's hopeless looking for more than I'm getting right now, but I still want to. I want to because for a day, after I'd resigned myself to the situation, I misinterpreted one thing which got me thinking again about whether there could be that slim possibility of more. I know it's not possible.

I'm waiting to go swimming today. It's going to be fun. I have no plans for tonight. Oh wait, fuck. It's Wednesday. I have to work tonight. Solar eclipse in Africa tomorrow morning, so I'm working from 4 a.m. till the morning. It's going to be weird. The last one two years ago was fun, but that's because the museum was open all night, and it was a party with my friends there. This one, I may sleep there, but the museum isn't open to the public until 4 a.m. I want some of my friends to come, but I doubt anyone will. Whatever. I'll have fun. I'm going to take on the world with my innocent smile.

Oh fuck. I am so stupid. Today isn't even Wednesday. The eclipse isn't until Thursday. I am silly. I don't have shit for plans tonight. No work till tomorrow night. Fuck I'm silly. I guess I can take on the world tonight.