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All Or Nothing

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[2001-06-18]-[11:03 a.m.]

Wow. I'm even more confused now than before. I'm not sure if it's a bd type of confusion or a good one. Either way I'm pretty happy. I kind of want to know which way it is though. I had fun last night. I think he did too. We suck at thinking of things to do. We went to a playground for a while. He got bored, I think. We got ice cream. He didn't eat. We got water at a coffee shop. He didn't drink. Is it all a message? No. But the fact that our little thing felt so sterile was. I don't really know what to do. I really am a spineless moron who can't say what he needs to say when he needs to say it. That fear just holds me back. Strange. It's really weird. I am happy with him saying no. That's fucking fine.

I'm sick of using this as a form of communication. I'm having a good time now that it's summer. I've been hanging out with Max a lot, and I, at least, have been having an awesome time of it. I want to go back to Portland soon. Maybe Sean and Lauren and I will go soon. I doubt it though.

My oscillation has changed direction. It's no longer happy and trepidation. Now it's confusion, hope, and mortal fear. I am one ugly son of a bitch. I'm both glad and extremely fucking pissed that everyone else sees that so damn clearly.

I'm happy. Really I am. I had a great night last night. I have no plans for today.

I'm scared.

'What have I become? My sweetest friend, everyone I know goes away in the end. You could have it all, my empire of dirt. I will let you down. I will make you hurt. ...You are someone else. I am still right here.' ----'Hurt' by Nine Inch Nails (I don't give a fuck. I like them. Punk rock can fuck itself if you are going to make fun of me.)

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