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All Or Nothing

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[12.20.02]-[2:18 p.m.]

I think I want to shoot myself. I'd been home for 12 fucking hours, and I managed to run into the person whose life I have succesfully put into the past after much painful drama and stupid shit. I told an old teacher at my high school I'd come by and say hi today, so I show up, and of course I'm late and she's already left. And Daniel never called me back. And he's just standing there, right outside the school. Chris dropped out last year, or maybe it was this year, I don't really know. He's exactly the same. I didn't need this. Not now. And, of course, I was amiable and he was too, but there's so much shit under the bridge that I just don't think it should be all right. I would have been really happy just forgetting about Chris completely, wishing him the best of luck and all, but still not thinking about him at all. And I probably don't really even wish him the best. I'm an asshole. He caused me a lot of pain. I don't want to think about it now. 12 hours home, and this shit has already started.

And Scott asked me if I want to go shopping with him and Dexter tomorrow. And I said yes, even though I think I wanted to say no. I don't want to associate him with Dexter. I don't want Dexter to see me interact with Scott. I don't even know if I want to interact with him at all. And I'm broke. So shopping is going to be me watching Scott look for Prada underwear he won't buy and I don't have a fucking clue what Dexter will be looking for. I think he's about as broke as me right now.

I'm such a fucking contradiction. My folks are pretty well off. I drove my brother's car today, an Audi. And I still have the gaul to say I'm broke. But I am. I whored out my apartment so I could pay the phone bill this month. Whore is a strong word. I rented it for a week to these girls. I needed the money.

Chris said he is coming to New York in March. I don't quite understand how he's paying for anything, but he said he's going to be there. I gave him my info. He won't call. That doesn't bother me.

WHAT THE FUCK

I don't get it. I'm surprised I didn't get dope today. I really am. After going back to my high school, I'm pretty depressed. I want pills. I want some fucking Demerols. Numb. I'm too scared to do dope now. Too scared of getting caught, getting kicked out of school, getting kicked on the street. But I want that numbness. And I don't know how to get it without drugs. Just keep it up for one more day I guess.

Seeing the folks is nice. Berkeley is beautiful. I went to the 'new', 'hip', 'underground', bar lasts night with Francis. Had one drink, drove other people around before and after. It was boring. Lot's of people who dress way better than me, all the straight guys 'looking' queer (not to reinforce cultural stereotypes or anything...). I want to get laid, and I realized not only do I not have any prospects, I also really have no idea how to meet anyone. I'd been in New York for like 4 months and I've met maybe 2 people. And I only still talk to one of them. And then only rarely.

I feel like shit.

'And if I'm wasting my time, then nothing could be better than hanging on the line and waiting for an honest word forever. And if you're saying goodbye please, don't you think me bitter for recalling every rhyme from the book, the page, the line, the word, the letter.' ----'Wasting My Time' by The White Stripes

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