I was pretty upset last night. No, not upset. I just hate this word: depressed. I still am, I suppose. I had a good night with Caitlin. I really did. Then I started to feel really guilty for feeling bad. I just feel selfish. And a fucking liar. I hate that. I just have shit so good, I really shouldn't be allowed to be unhappy. Friends of mine have it a lot worse. But it doesn't work that way. It just doesn't. And I felt like I was acting more depressed than I really was, a few weeks ago. And I'm wondering if it was all just some stupid self-deception that turned real. Reality bites.

I know I'm going to end up seeing Scott today, if he comes from Santa Cruz. I can't say no. I don't konw how. I tried. I felt guilty. He told me some things that paradoxically make me feel both wanted and rejected. He said he can't sleep with me. I knew that before, he'd told me already. And I'd agreed, at least verbally if not mentally. But last night he said he can't because... he still wants to. And it won't be healthy. It's the first time he's said that he still likes me. I feel so guilty for still liking him. He asked me to committ to not fucking. I told I can committ to anything, but I know I'd break it in an instant.

That made me feel like a liar.

I hate honesty. I hate dishonesty.

I thought about putting a book together. A book of suicide notes. I don't know if this is healthy. Funny thing is, I thought of it when I was pretty happy. I was in the shower anyway, and I really like being in the shower. I think I could make a really good book of them. Just write crazy shit. True shit. But lies too, fiction and nonfiction. Only I'm not going to off myself. I can't conceive of doing myself in, no matter how bad I feel.

Ok. I need to get on with my life. I hope Scott doesn't fuck me up. Not anything he does, just who he is. I want to meet Dexter in person. They're going shopping together. I don't know though. I realized last night that I'm completely fucked in the head.