My brother came home last night, and I saw him for the first time this morning. He really got under my skin right away. He didn't believe that I didn't mean to do it in NYC. He didn't believe that I got fucked over (after I made a horrible decision. It was my fault, and I do acknowledge that, but I also got screwed.) I can say it to him louder. I can repeat it over and over again. All he says is, "You don't have to perpetuate the lie." It's so frustrating. I've been in situations like this before, and now, for one of the first times I've told everything to them. They have no reason to believe me. I've lied before. But for some reason, I hold this wierd expectation that he should believe me to a certain extent just because I am his brother. And I can tell from his eyes, and also his words, that he never will. That is really frustrating and hurts me. I want to yell at him and scream and just say "I'm tellling you the fucking truth, you rock star egotistical motherfucker!" But that wouldn't make him believe me any more than not saying anything at all. So I say nothing at all.

I miss Scotty. I want to go up to Santa Cruz and be waiting for him when he gets back from his retreat, but I can't. I'm going up on Tuesday to have dinner with him and spend the night. It's an anniversary of sorts for us. I don't hold too much faith in things like that, but it's nice to have them anyway. I've never really had them before. Scotty means a lot to me too. I mean a lot to him. I was talking with Britt about this earlier today. It's so amazing to know when you feel something, that a person you're with is feeling the exact same thing. Scotty doesn't need to tell me, I KNOW. He does anyway, and it's great to hear it, but it's even more amazing to believe with all my heart that he feels it too. That's why I say, 'I love you,' to him. That's why I know he means it when he says it to me. Sure, we haven't been together too long, but I know I mean it. That's nice. I'm glad I'm moving close to him. I'm glad he's not hating me for fucking up the path I was on and choosing a new path. I know, and he knows, that this new path is just as good, just different. Wow, this is getting a little too abstract and ethereal. I'm feel like I'm talking like fucking hippie. Fuck that.