I didn't really go crazy. That is a lie. I just got obsessive/compulsive. But I did well in calculus besides that. And I am going to take the final on Monday, and I'm expecting an A or B+ on it. If I don't get at least that, I'll be dissappointed.

Oh yeah, I haven't been smoking at all! Yipee! It's too damn cold to smoke, and my mum would be pretty pissed if she knew I had sort of started again. What's that voice I'm starting to hear? It can't be... a conscience? Holy shit.

Just kidding, I think I have one of the most hyperactive consciences around. Only I'm pretty good at blocking it out, letting it build and build in the back of my head like a skyscraper reaching ten stories, fifty stories, a hundred stories oh my god it's fucking too tall to stay up. And then it comes crashing down and I get all guilty.

I don't feel too guilty right now. I don't feel guilty at all.

I had to meet with the head of Drug and Alcohol Education at my school today, for my monthly meeting that I need to keep to stay in school. We didn't talk about anything in particular. A bit about the holidays, and about me not having any friends, but nothing too serious. I constantly have to bullshit her, because I'm scared that any sign of being too confident or too fragile will make her go run to the dean, even if I know consciously that she really only has my best interests at heart. At least I think. The dean has only the school's best interests at heart, and he really could give a fuck about me. I know that one. I'm not quite so sure about this doctor though. So I bullshit her. I tell her I'm going to meetings and I'm okay, and at the same time I tell her the truth, about my lack of friends, my 'depression', anything else I can think of that's affecting me. My housing situation. Scott, sometimes. I have to keep going to her once a month till the end of the school year. That blows. I nearly forget her meeting every month. But I've always kept it. But I'm waiting till that nearly becomes completely.

This week has been pretty good to me. I haven't been too fucked, angry, or lonely. I mean, I'm a little lonely, but I sort of like being alone too. I really don't give a fuck about all the bastards that I usually feel are all looking at me out of the corner of their eyes. And I don't think that's a narcissistic thing, it's more that I'm always alone, I have a silly-looking-curly-haired mohawk 'fro, and I always have headphones on. I don't really fit into the normal social groupings, and I feel like most of the time I stand out. I don't mind that so much; ultimately, I bring it upon myself. Just observations.

I bought stuff today, even though I'm broke, and I really shouldn't have. I bought two CD's that were both way over-priced, but that I couldn't really find anywhere else. What a drag. Money blows. I figure I can spend ten dollars a day till I get home without starving. I mean, that ten dollars goes almost entirely to food most days, but that's okay. That can be a shitload of food. I just can't buy music or books, really, and I can't eat out. It's not that hard to do.

Chris occurred to me today. Don't know why. Haven't thought of that bastard for a long time. Thought just popped into my head, wonderring what he's up to. Heard he moved to Indiana. I was dating a guy from Indiana for a bit. It's odd how people that affected me so much just sort of drop out of the radar. I get sort of nastalgic a lot, but most of the time, I really could give a fuck. Maybe this is Petrarchian self-deception. I don't know. Maybe maybe maybe.