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All Or Nothing

[Information]

[2001-06-01]-[3:23 p.m.]

He got under my skin. No, not the bad way. He just occupies my mind a whole fucking lot, that's what I mean. He opened me up, pierced me to the core. He didn't do anything; I did it to myself. I went into this situation expecting all of this. It's as if it's prophecy fulfilled; to use his own words in another context, it's my karmic retribution. Maybe not retribution, but I just mean that I get what I deserve.

I've been pretty tense today. I'm really not upset with the situation. I am sad. I wanted it to work even though I knew it wasn't even in the realm of possibility. It's just icing on the cake, though. I hate my friends. I don't hate them, but I do hate being lied to. If they don't want to hang out, I wish they would just fucking say so. I hate vague, fumbled excuses, reasons, lies. It would hurt more in the short term, but I"d have a better idea of who my friends really are. It's so easy to say. But in reality, I'm just as bad. I do it too, but it's so easy to get up on some high horse and look down and get so mad. Who knows, maybe all the the excuses are true. But excuses every fucking day make me wonder. IT makes me want to get away from them all. It makes me want to never bother asking anyone to do anything with me.

I'm so bad at all this. Hopefully tomorrow won't go too badly. I don't care that I can't kiss him (I'M LYING). I just want to see him and talk (I'M NOT LYING). I like him enough that I want to be friends. I'm afraid, though, that I'm falling into the same trap I fell into with Nick, Chris, even Shannon, where I'm going to be friends with the boy I have a crush on. It's a painful situation; I've been there. But I want it anyway. I want it almost more than anything. Well, not more than THAT, but damn close.

---------------------------------

I tried to go to a show last night, in between the bar and Popscene, but it was sold out. I'm going to a different show tonight, and I'm going alone.

I've decided to make a wish list:

A Hasselblaad 501 CM or maybe a CX

A record player

Max

Friends that actually care

A new book

3 nights at an EconoLodge in Portland

Laura to come home after a good trip to Europe

Caitlin to move to New York next year

I want to sell some photos

Another pair of Diesel jeans

Sex

Yeah.

'In my life . Why do I give valuable time to people who don't care if I live or die? Two lovers entwined pass me by and heaven knows I'm miserable now' ----'Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now' by The Smiths

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