So I woke up this morning and realized that I am an asshole. I really am. I don't know what has gotten into me the last few weeks, but I decided today is going to be different. Tomorrow will be different, and I will be different. I am not joking here. I realized that I have been bitter about nothing for weeks now, and it's pointless. I am not mad at Scott. Nor have I really been for a while. I love him. I am happy with most everything about him. Only, I get so wrapped up in little things and it's all just how I phrase them to myself. He's great. Maybe distracted at times, but who the fuck isn't? I'd do better to be distracted more of the time. And fuck it, I've been having pretty good days lately, except when I don't let myself. Which has been most always. What I mean is, I tell myself to be angry, so I am, and then when I see something I make a CHOICE to be angry. It's not like Scott's friends did anything wrong, they just stayed in the room when I was sleeping (which I was doing because I was bitter), so I yell at them. It's really silly sounding. But I really do it. I don't know. It isn't happening anymore. I hope when I tell Scott that, that he believes me. Because I have a bad feeling it will sound like something I've said a thousand times before, but never really understood. I understand now. I want him to know. But I don't want to seem like the idiot I am when I tell him. Maybe I won't say anything. Likely I will just tell him things are changing for me. And change quickly they will. I will. Interesting. Reading High Fidelity helps. I almost got drunk last night, and I thought about shooting dope today. I did neither. But I thought about both, and that isn't good. It's not bad. But not good. I didn't do it though. And I won't. Not today, not tomorrow. That's good.
I got my business handled today. I sent my letter to get back into NYU. I handed in my letter of notice to leave work. Leave one thing, join another, amazing how circular life can be on any given day. I hope it all works well. I like circularity. I like linearity too. I think I like linear polarizers better than circular ones. So maybe photography is a metaphor for my life. Stop, look, shoot. Capture. Find. Create. Repeat. Play. It all works. And using my camera is quite a bit like masturbating. It feels as good. It is shapped similarly (not really, but general shape is somewhat phallic). I press it's buttons and it's shutter releases and the gears start grinding and I crank it moves on to start something new.
I've never been any good with metaphor. Sorry. I am not going to be a cunt anymore. That's all I'm trying to say.
'Competition's a waste of time. It's all a waste of time. Guilt is a friend I made long ago, and together we fight any effort, prevention or rejection. I simply give up all my chances.' ----'Cop-Out' by Babyland