I am teaching myself to cook. I made bell peppers stuffed with rice/tomato/sauteed onions/etc. It was great. I also made stuffed avocadoes (which weren't vegan) over saffron rice (I found a place to get saffron for cheap!). It was also great. Today I made a potato dish with layered potatoes, tomatoes, onions, and a walnut/tomatoe/oregano sauce. It sucked horribly. Undercooked potatoes suck. If I hadn't made it vegan and had used butter and cheese and less tomoto it could have been great. Vegan boyfriends are a big hassle. But I love him anyway. And I'll cook for him anyway. I have decided to cook at least one meal a day. Breakfast doesn't count, because it's too easy. This week I'm making all veggie dishes, because that's the only cookbook I have right now. This is boring.

I am realizing more and more how much I am glad I am not in the dorms at NYU right now. I hate college dorm life. I am spending a lot of time in Scotty's dorm and I know I'm going to sound conceited but everything is so fucking pedestrian in these damn buildings. It's high school all over again. We all think we are so mature, so independent. And I think I'm different. But am I? There's so much bullshit here. I am not going to go into the dorms when I go back to school next year. I have cemented that into my mind firmly. I understand that the whole residence hall thing works for some kids. Scott loves it. But I can't take living like this. It's so fucking silly. I need my own space. I need time away from all the fucking dramas and dreams and fights and annoyances and people looking over my shoulder. I love living alone. When I go next year, I will apply to live in NYU apartment style housing. That is, if I can't find a reasonably priced place to rent on my own (which I will never be able to find in the City). I wish I was socially adept (or is it inept?) enough to deal with quad life. But I'm not. I don't mind spending time with Scotty here, but I sure as fuck don't want to be alone in this situation for a fucking year in New York. I'm looking way too far into the future, and I know it. I like it where I am right now. No ties, nothing holding me down. I've been listening to Crimpshrine and it makes me feel so positive about life, about the future that I look forward to, and the future I dread too. I am not drinking, still. I plan to continue not drinking too. I think it's good.

I applied for two jobs. One is at a photo lab. I am very excited about this one. It would be great. I have experience doing custom work, and I print well. I'm qualified. If I can't get a printing job, I'd even be happy working a counter in a camera store. I love cameras, and photos and people. I hate people too, but I love hating them. Wow, this is getting jaded.

I love him. I've never felt like this before. I really haven't. It's scary. I woke up again in the middle of the night the one night this week he wasn't in bed with me and I blearily reached out to hug you and all I got were sheets and pillows and all I wanted was you. I really wanted you and every other night this week I did get you and I am so fucking lucky for it.

This is me in the dorms, at clubs and alone, when I'm not with him or with her or with those few people that break through the shell I expose to the rest of the world: