I also haven't smoked for five days now. That's a fucking accomplishment. I've been taking it easy on the Nicorette too, only really using it when I'm ready to go buy a pack of Luckies. I worry that I'll smoke tonight (I promised myself I'd go dancing tonight at Popscene). I tend to smoke more when I'm at large social gatherings, actually any social gatherings, than when I'm alone. I think I can do it, though. Before I go to Popscene I'm hanging out with a Freshman that goes to my school. He has class today, or at least he has to go to Angel Island with his class. Senior's don't have class till a week from Monday, but Sophomores have a fun day where they go ice skating, and junior's are off on their weeklong trip. At any rate, this kid Daniel is my freshman peer, and I like him. He's kind of a geeky, awkward emo kid, and he is incredibly sweet. He's fond. He's also straight edge, so that will give me more incentive not to smoke tonight. We are going to go watch Happiness, which is an incredibly fucked up movie. I'm looking forward to it. We were going to do it last weekend, but I was a loser and never called him. I'm forgetful. (That's a fucking understatement if I've ever heard one.) It'll be fun.

I started reading a new book on the trip. Probably my favorite teacher at school recomended it. It's called 'City of Glass'by Paul Auster. I know it's geeky, but I've been trying to decide whether his names is a pseudonym. His writing is incredibly austere, crystal clear, no heavy dense extra words. He just gets to the point. And he's writing about an author who uses a pseudonym in the story. I don't know; I'm a loser. The book is good; it's simple, easy to read and powerful. I know it's not what he is writing about, but I feel like I'm living in a glass city. I feel like every thing I touch is going to break any fucking minute.

I've been thinking a lot about my situation with Shannon, and with girls in general. I still think I'm gay, but I don't think gay is an absolute term. As I wrote yesterday, is anything absolute? It's kind of like Chris. I think he's straight (although I probably only think that to make myself more secure, make myself feel better). But he likes this guy right now. I'm gay, but there are a few girls I like. There are a few girls I wouldn't mind going out with. Most of it just has to do with the person, not the sex. To quote the only girlfriend I've ever had (sixth and seventh grade were a confusing time in my life, hehehehe), with the most stupid thing she ever said: 'I don't like guys or girls, I like people.' Might sound okay written in a diary, but not when it's coming from her, knowing her. She's cool now, but is still kind of a silly immature moron. We talk off and on at Gilman St. She's settled down and grown up a bit, but she sure holds a grudge.

I hold grudges too, but only when someone does something that makes me feel bad, and only when they mean to do it. I never meant to hurt her, but she hated me for years for not wanting to hang out all the time, every day. I try to understand people, even if I hold a grudge against them. It's like my situation with Emily at school. She's a bitch. That's the only way to describe her. She tries really hard to be bitchy. She goes out of her way to do it. But although I hate her, I understand her. I know where she's coming from. So I talk to her anyway. She knows that we don't like each other, but we still get along okay now. For a long time we didn't, but now we talk about the things that we both understand. It's cool, I can talk to people I hate. And sometimes I feel like I hate most everybody. That's not any punk rock nonsense. I really feel like that sometimes. I feel like nobody cares, about me or about anything. I don't want to hate anyone, but wanting doesn't matter much. If I could destroy one thing I feel, it would be the quality of wanting. Those things I want so much, the things I can never have, the boys I never will have, the life that will never be mine, those things drive me crazy with desire. It's cheesy to say, but it's fucking true.

I'm happy today. I'm doing something today. I'm going dancing tonight. Fuck it all, let's just have some fun and be kids.