Ok, so it's no longer the same day as I wrote the previous. I had a calculus test this morning, and I fucking think I aced it. Which I certainly wasn't expecting. I've chewed my fingers to bleeding shreds, and the stress raised my blood sugar by a 100mg/dl, but I think I'm okay now. I know this is super boring information.

I think I'm going to go to the city tonight to a fundraiser for 826 Valencia. I'm sort of excited. I mean, it's going to be boring, AND they were totally assholes to me when I wanted to volunteer, but hey, it's still a good program, and I REALLY want to see Caitlin. I'm excited about that part. Damn, this rocks. AND a new Jawbreaker CD came out a bit ago, and I bought it today. Nice surprise going through the record store. I have most of the songs already from bootlegs and comps, but still, it's pretty awesome, and there are songs I've never heard. And the lyric book has lyrics to songs I've been misquoting for ages. Love that!

Awwwwww shit! Need to leave for San Francisco shortly. But I can't bring myself to leave. Cigarettes are gross, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I quite smoking a long time ago, but I still want a smoke sometimes. Just got to remember that it's disgusting. It's hard to remember sometimes, but I do ok.

I read Word Freaks a few days ago, it's a book about competitive Scrabble, and the nuts who play it. I want to be one of them, someday. When I get to New York, I will definitely play in the park by my school. I can't compare to some of those dudes, but I'm okay. Pretty good, for a living room player, if I do say so myself.

I want to drive to New York, but I'm not sure I'm going to be able to. My folks don't really want to deal with it right now. And I understand, but I'd still really like to. If I don't, I'm still going to fly out on the day I was going to leave to drive. You know, give myself a week or two to get settled in my apartment in Manhatten. I need to move. I need to do it soon. I'm fucking cooped up in this messy room, fading back to the fucking memories of heroin and all the stupid shit that went along with it. And I can't get away. And I drown in this shitty town. Class helps, but not enough. Scott helps, just enough. I love him. I'm going to miss him. I'm going to miss his arms in the morning, clawling into his bed naked at night, when he's asleep. Always try to not let him wake up when I enter, but he always does. A 'uhhhhhh, oh, sweetie,' and then a kiss, and then sleep like no other. I don't fall asleep easily with others int he bed, but it feels so good to wake up in his arms. To have him steal the covers, and me steal them back, and wake up cold because he sleeps wiht the windows open in a concrete floored room, but I'm warm because he's warm, and I'm in his arms, inside him and he's inside me. And it feels so good. And I will miss that.

Lots of things I'll miss around the Bay Area, but I need to leave. If only for a while.

This is me: