Things I've been worried about:

I'm moving soon. I'm scared so scared i could have a fuckin heart attack. Scott and I are going our seperate ways soon. Like two fucking weeks is soooo fucking soon too soon for my ease of mind, my conscience, my love, my fucking mind. I'm going to miss some shit. And I'm going to love some shit. And fuck why can't i fucking come up with the shit that i want to feel and think and be and love and die and fuckin fuck goddamn i'm gonna miss you dude. and i do love you. AND WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I REGISTER FOR CLASSES, NYU? I still am barred from registering, and the calculus class that I REALLY want to take is full. Waiting lists for all sections. SO fuck you bastards. I did my shit to return to school. You've had all the info for two fucking weeks. YOu say it'll be by the end of the week, but how much FUCKING LONGER??? I'm not sure what book to engross myself in. I'm reading the New York Trilogy, by Paul Auster. I already read City of Glass about two years ago, but I figure I'll reread it, and then the other two, because they are all short, and good too. But I want something else too. I'm thinking about going in a more classical direction. You know, Melville, the Greeks, more Salinger, maybe more Marquez, Chaucer and shit. I don't know. I've been reading so much modern lit, I feel like I need to get my history before I can accurately judge anything.

I've been a ball of anxiety, and I don't know what it's all about. My fingers are bleeding, bitten wrecks of flesh, red wounds and grey scabs and ugly, swollen skin. It's a mess.

I'm a wreck, but a happy wreck. I got a fuckin 50 out of 50 on my calc midterm, and we are finally learning some interesting shit. New shit. I'm struggling for the first time in ages, at least the first intellectual struggle in almost two years. I'm scared to move, to devote myself to a new city, a new plan, a new goal, a new life, new friends, new enemies, a new house, some new shit. I need to move, and I need to do it now. But I'm so scared.

'After 17 years of fighting everything I came across, now I realize that I always lost. It's come time to end the tranquilization of my mind. Now I've got a brick in my hand. Now I know what I must find. So take a good look around. Tell me what you see. Always on your ass, you complain of my apathy. Bricks are put together as the trees fall. I got a brick and I ain't gonna build no wall.' ----'Bricks' by Crimpshrine