I went to class today, and it was okay. I sit next to this really hot guy in my Calc II lecture and I looked at his backpack today and it says he's from Sacramento. California rocks. Only, he looks straight, but that's bullshit, because I look straight. But I have a habit of getting crushes on straight guys. This kid is the only other one who is confident in his calculus in the class. And me and him sit next to each other every day in the same two seats every time. It's a pattern. And I can almost guarantee that I will pass this class without ever saying a word to him. Even though I want to stick my hand up his shirt and feel his chest and kiss him. I don't know why I just typed that.

I lost my book. It made me sad. I left it at the doctor's office last Friday, and I'm going back in another week, but I want to read it. I'm stuck in the middle of three other books right now, and I liked the light fluff of Hornby in How To Be Good. I'm re-reading Youth In Revolt for like the fiftieth time and I'm reading Stephen Dixon, but I'm having a hard time getting into Dixon. His style is weird but good; however I just can't get wrapped in his story. Especially since I haven't figured out how the chapters relate to each other. I want more JT Leroy.

Scott makes me happy. He really does. Despite all the bullshit that goes on between us, it's all right now. I don't know what changed for me, but something twisted, and now I'm new. I don't give a fuck. I love him, I think. But I'm fine with it all. It's weird how fucking him when he came to visit helped me seperate our past relationship from what we have now, which is nothing but a past relationship and a deep feeling for the other. At least that's what I think we have. I know we don't have a relationship, and I know I don't want one with him at long distance. But I know I might want one if we were living close by. But we're not, and I'm fucking cool with that for the first time!

My mind plays games with itself. I am a spectator at these games, and I cheer my thoughts on sometimes, and fucking scream when I can see the inherent flaw. I see it too. I know it.

Good night. Chemical induced sleep needs to be preceeded by Czech language learning. Good night.