I'm in a frenzy. I'm feeling evil and wrong. I haven't done anything bad I don't think, but I still feel like I've really fucked up big time. Here's how it goes: I like a boy. His name's ******** (can't actually reveal it for fear of...). I think I really like him. He's grown on me a whole fucking lot the last few times I've seen him. I have no idea if he even thinks about me like that, but I hope he does. There's a problem though. It could really interefere in another friendship if I try. I'm not going to get into detail in this forum. I just question my motivations. I think I really like HIM, but how do I really know? I haven't felt like this for a while. I haven't told him, and I don't know if I should. I also feel evil because I'm going on a date this evening with another boy. He's cute, really cute. But I feel bad for trying for two people at the same time. I've been criticizing a certain friend for doing just that. I guess I'm not actually trying for two seperate people. I just like two guys. I'm only actually trying for one right now. But Erich is a lot older than me, and I'm not sure if it's such a good idea. The other boy is a lot closer to my age, and I think I like him a lot more. BUt Erich is a fantasy I've had for years. No, he's a crush I've had for years. I can't pass up this opportunity, even if it is kind of fucked. I don't know. I feel bad, but also excited. I just have never been in this situation before. I've never had two possibly realizable crushes at the same time. I've had lots and lots of unattainable ones before at the same time, but never like this when I could try for both, or either, or none. My problem is that I don't think that the right thing to do is what is best for me. I hate that. Do I choose personal superficial satisfaction? Or do I choose the satisfaction I get out of doing what is right? I'm tempted to go for the first, but I feel like I shouldn't. At the same time, I feel like I'm making too big a deal out of a situation that most would love to be in. Or maybe not. I don't really know.I'm not going to go into the details of my weekend. I've had a lot of fun with some very cool people. I arranged a date. I've wanted to try for another date with another boy. No that's not true, I don't want a date. I want to tell him I like him.
'I thought, 'Oh God, my chance has come at last.' But then a strange fear gripped me and I just couldn't ask.' ----'There Is A Light That Never Goes Out' by The Smiths