Fear. Strange, disconnected fear. I'm fearful, but strangely enough, I'm not really worried about the outcome. Any outcome will suffice, I just need an outcome. I will know that it's hopefully not anything I did that dooms me, not anything I had some control over. No, it will just be me. It will be the fact that I'm desperate, lonely, obsessive, ugly. I'm not smooth, letting him know with subtle vocal hints. I will/have just come out with it and prepare for the worst. Sure, it's probably going to hurt, but not more than I deserve. This really is a beautifully horrid feeling. I feel like this is what I get for falling for a guy that all signs indicate cannot/will not/should not fall for me. Who knows though? This isn't an exact science. It's not calculus. It's not my geeky beloved math with a simple question and a direct answer. I still think, maybe, just maybe. I am still not quite jaded enough to let myself think that it's completely fucking hopeless. There is still some dream. Some sad, egocentric belief that I am not hated, unloved, ugly son of a bitch that I often see myself as.I just have a hard time diverting my attention enough to do anything wholeheartedly. But no, I have something of a one track mind at times. Well, there are many tracks, but only one train, and I'm into you like a train. (That's a Jawbreaker reference). I know he reads this, and I'm sure it makes me seem pretty pathetic. I really hate addressing anyone in this, but I'm making an exception. Don't judge me by this. Please. "I'm not so bad, really, when you get to know me." And this is not knowing me. This is one side: the ugly, obsessive, personal side. Talk to me. Find my other side. Find my better half, please.
'Excuse the bitchin' - I shouldn't complain. I should have no feeling, 'cuz feeling is pain. As everything I need is denied me. And everything I want is taken away from me. But who do I got to blame? Nobody but me.' ----'The Good Life' by Weezer