I took the passive/aggressive stance. Mostly just the passive way out. I apologized, we got tea, we worked things out. We're friends, sort of, as always. I hate myself, and I hate my friends. No that's not true. I love both.

I always think I'm so honest. That's partly what that Eggers quote is about. Honesty, sincerity, sure I embrace it all. But it's all for some other, veiled secret purpose. I never tell the whole truth, because I can't. There are some things that I'm just afraid to say. I won't even tell some of those things to myself. It's scary. I want to be honest enough to say everything, but I know I never will be.

I don't know what to do about most of the things in my life. The blinders still seem to be on. Sometime soon. I think I'm reaching the breaking point. I think he might be too. It's not looking so hot for me, but I don't really care (I'M LYING). I think I may be getting subtle signals of rejection, but I'm not sure if I'm just seeing these because I'm reading too deeply into nothingness. I can do that when I think too much. I'll see things that aren't there. I'll hallucinate and see all that I want to see. No, I usually see all the things that I don't want. I see everything that could possibly go wrong. Maybe this is more fatalism, I don't know. Maybe I'm just deluding myself further. If it was going to go well (for me) it would have gone already. So I still have no expectations. I have hopes, but I expect nothing more than nice friends. I'll never even have those, but I still want them. Grrrrr. I'm not as angry or depressed as I'm making this seem. I am trying to remain unemotional. No, I'm trying to become unemotional. I guess I can't remain something that I've never been. I'm so sick of this feeling, biting my nails, fingers. I hate waiting.